Genaro. He's someone i've been needing to write about. It's impossible to tell my life story without telling of him, especially after this past year i've lived; he was the biggest part of it. I didnt know when it would be best to finally write about him, when would be the best time to really be able to open up and say what the importance he's had in my life. And today seemed like the perfect time: exactly a year since i've seen him. Not a year since we've had contact, we keep in touch frequently...but a year since i've seen his in person, since i've seen his with my own eyes...the anniversary of the last night i considered amazing, before my life went crashing down. so lets do this...
His name is Genaro Guzman. or simply Junior, what everyone, including myself, call him. We met in 7th grade, we had 5 out of 7 classes together, and somehow always ended up by each other whenever teachers gave us seating charts. Our friendship was inevitable, i guess. I still remember the first we ever really had any contact that year. It was in Mr. Buttars' class, History. I had walked in, set my binder down along with my copy of The DaVinci Code, which i was currently reading. I then walked away, i cant remember why, and when i returned to my desk he was standing there, holding my book. He turned to me with a look of amazement, and said, "You're reading this? Its a good book!" He seemed amazed that there was actually another 7th grader who was reading it! haha. He was, as i like to say, a Halo Freak, meaning he was obssesed with the videogame Halo. :P He had a whole bunch of halo pictures on his school binders, and since i liked halo [no, i was no videogamer! i'd played it a few times and liked it, but i was far from being any good at it!] i took 2 of the coolest pictures. He begged my to give them back, but i refused...eventually he gave in. lol. It was a good year, we became really good friends; we talked frequently, at school and online, It didnt take long to build our friendship, it was just so natural. And the amazing thing was, that it was simply that, friendship. In middle school it seems impossible for a boy and girl to be friends without gaining feeling for each other. All those hormones wont let a teenager get close to another without making something out of it!! But that was not the case for us. We were around each other often, but never was there a need or desire to want or be more. It was so pure.
With only a month left in the school year, he moved to Seattle. I never told anyone, but when he told me he was moving, it made me sad. Not SUPER sad, but i felt kind of like a sinking feeling in my stomach when he said it. However, his departure didnt end our friendship, if anything, it became stronger, i think. We talked several times a week, every week. He was the first guy i was able to just sit around and talk about the randomest, most unimportant things ever, and yet it didnt feel like a waste of time. This went on through the summer, and well into 8th grade. Then i found the halo pictures i'd taken from his binder, and told him about them. he couldnt believe i still had them, neither could i, i thought they'd been lost after 7th ended. He told to write "Genaro Junior Guzman. 7th grade. Never forget!" on the back, and keep them forever! so i wrote as he told me, and tried to keep track of them for as long as i could...but every year brought new binders, its hard to keep track of things like that. :/
One time, i believe it was December of 8th grade, it was a day like any other. the last class of the day had ended and i was walking away from my locker, when i heard my named being called from behind me. I turned to see Junior standing there, smiling at me. That is that first time i can recall ever being speechless from joy. I stood there just looking at him, not knowing what to say. "Not even going to say hi," he said. "Hi," i mumbled, still shocked. he chuckled, and i managed to compose myself enough to ask what he was doing there! he said he was just stopping by to say hi to people. it was a short moment, i quickly had to leave to get to my bus. and while i sat there, waiting to get to my stop, i was surprised with the joy i'd felt to see him...it was more joy than i thought i'd ever feel to see him, or anyone! but there i was, tears almost running from joy of seeing him. And for the first time, a year and a half after meeting, i felt something that wasnt friendship. But i said nothing. A few weeks later, i was gifted with the news that he was moving back to prosser. Then i started thinking about my feelings...it didnt seem wise to like him if he was not around, but now that he was coming back, maybe i could start pondering on something more than the friendship we had built. I didnt have the guts to tell him...so my friend told him, at my suggestion. After he knew...there was a light drifting between us, but nothing too bad. He moved back a few weeks later. I still remember that day. I had put on one of my favorite outfits, and let my hair down. I walked around school my with friends before class started, hoping i'd run into him. With five minutes left to class, i went to my first class. But as soon as i walked in, i remembered i needed a notebook, so i went to my locker [which was just outside my first class] and there was junior, walking out of the class across the hall. His friend Derek [whom i now call Bieber, and is one of my closest friends] was with him, and when he saw me he said, "Carmi! Look who it is!" and pointed to junior. I had never thought of what i was gonna do when i finally saw him, and i've never been one to show people exactly how happy their presence can make me, so i simply smiled and said, "yea, hi junior!" and walked back into my class...and that was the only contact we had for two weeks. I eventually had a chance[and the courage] to talk to him one day after school. I sarcastically complained that he didnt talk to me anymore. He said that we hardly ever saw each other, and he didnt have internet in his house yet, so talking online wasnt really possible. Later that night, i saw him online. my anger senses were instantly alerted. i waited a while to see if he would talk to me...he didnt. Angrily, i messaged him, telling him that he was a liar and that if he didnt want to talk to me he should have just told me, that he just shouldnt talk to me at all! he said he was just gotten internet connected that very day, and hadnt noticed i was online. i didnt believe him, and i will never forget i words i replied with...they were the words that brought years of longing. I said to him, "Well i was serious about that i said. just dont talk to me at all. it will be one less person you'll have to worry about!" his reply was short...just a simple "ok." the instant i read that one word...i burst into tears. i know it sounds stupid. i had asked for it, i shouldnt be crying. but i was, and it hurt. im still not sure if it was because i regretted the words i'd said, or because he'd given in[given up?] so easily...but i do know it hurt. The day was February 2. and for the next two years...we were strangers to each other.
In those two years, we did not talk. and it killed me. for once, it hurt to lose a friend. The feelings i had attained for him were gone, all i wanted was to have the pure friendship we had created in 7th grade. not for an instant did i give up hope of being friends again. Freshman year, i walked into french to find him sitting in there...my stomach twisted at the thought of having to look at him every day in class, and not being able to talk to him. It was during freshman year that i started creating the lie that i hated him. it wasnt true, not even close, but i would never let anyone know. i would not show what i really felt was a yearning to regain what we had. i have never liked letting other people see a weaker side of me. It was easier to say i hated him, than to admit i missed him. so i progressed to make rude comments and remarks about the things he said and did. never outloud though...only to the people around me. i wanted to hate him, maybe that would make things easier...but i couldnt, and i didnt want him to hate me. Then in May of our freshman year, he missed a week of school. Finally our french teacher asked the class if they knew why he's been gone so long. My friend francisco answered her...he said junior was moving to California. my heart sank. our chances of rebuilding our frienship were gone. During the period, people noticed i'd suddenly gone quiet, they asked what was wrong. i simply said i wasnt feeling well. In 5th period, we were watching a video, and luckily, i was in the back corner desk, because i finally allowed myself to let go of a few tears. I sat quietly crying in the dark classroom for a minute. then i composed myself and proceeded to watch the video. To this day, i can not tell you what it was about. Then 6th period, i couldnt hold myself, having a strong urge to cry, but there was no video, no back corner desk, and i had no choice to to use all my strength to hold back the tears. Finally the class ended, and i went to my locker and waited for my friends kyleigh and anthony to come so we could walk out together like always. As we started walking down the hall, kyleigh asked anthony if he had heard about junior moving, and they started talking about. instantly, my eyes grew watery. kyleigh turned to look at me, and instantly felt bad to bringing up the subject. she was one of the very few who really knew how i felt about junior. she asked me if i was ok, i just nodded, trying not to let the tears fall. i said i had to go, and walked away. about a minute later, anthony caught up to me, he asked me if i was ok, i just nodded, but this time a tear fell. he hugged me and said he was there for me if i wanted to talk. i thanked him, and walked home crying. as soon as i got home, i went to the bathroom and cried nonstop for about 5 minutes, then i composed myself, and walked out to help my mom in the kitchen. that night was the first time ever i cried myself to sleep. the next day i went to idaho with my parents for our annual Cinco de Mayo trip. we were there for about 4 days, which did me some good, and i was able come to terms with the situation. i was not happy with it...but i forced myself to accept that theres was nothing i could do. when i went back to school on monday, i walked into french and there was junior in his seat.
Sophmore year, we had about half our classes together, including french 2. and even with 3 classes together, we didnt not talk...but we became accostumed to see each other often. by the end of the year, there had been a several times that we had directed some comments to each other, nothing big though. Then one day, during the last month of school, i was talking to anthony after school, and he came over to stand with him, and all three of us started talking. for the first time in 2 years, i had a conversation with him. and it was great. :) once summer vacation started, we started having random conversations through facebook, and for once, i had REAL hope that things would be better. That july i went to a church retreat, and while i was there i met a guy, his name was Luke. and instantly there was a connection, emotions. we talked, and soon we realized that he had been planning to move somewhere near prosser. it was great for us! when i returned home, we kept contact through facebook, talking every night. he told me he missed me, and couldnt wait to see me. we talked about everything we would do when we finally moved to yakima. he was the first guy to tell me i was beautiful. for a whole month, i was feeling such joy! Then on August 14, i went to warped tour. when i got home, my friend tsadhe texted me, confessing that she had found out Junior liked me. It was surprising news, especially since we'd hardly talked in 2 years. I told her it did not matter since i was already talking with Luke, and practically with him already. and so that was it. About a week later, Junior messaged me, and confessed the news to me himself. I never told him about luke, i simply said that it was been a long time that we talked, and it would be best to just start building our friendship again. he was perfectly fine with it.
Once school started again, i arranged my schedule so that we would have a class together, i said it was to make our friendship "rebuilding" easier. A few times, i would sit at his table to do group work in that class. he always gave me a wide smile, asked me how i was. and i should have known by the flutter in my stomach, i was starting to cross a border within my own emotions. Anthony and tsadhe kept insisting that it would be better off going for junior than luke. they said it was more conveniant and just better for me. i refused to do it. however, i couldnt stop myself from thinking about it...eventually it wasnt just my mind wandering down that path, but my heart as well. Finally, i let myself give in. i could not deny the loyalty of my heart lay in him. Unfortunately, i gave in the very week he moved away. I had no warning, no sign this would happen. I got on facebook to see a post announcing his departure. Instantly, i broke down crying. History repeating.
about three weeks later, on October 15, he came down to prosser for his birthday weekend. he told me he'd be walking around school once classes ended saying hi to people. We had an assembly at the end of that school day. Being in leadership, i stayed to clean up after wards. then i grabbed my bag and walked out. as i walked by the parking lot, i looked up and saw him. he was talking with some people. I looked at him standing there...and i walked away. I couldnt bring myself to go to him. he had walked out of my life many times, but never had we said goodbye...and i scared this time we would. so i walked away, went home, and was on my way to spokane within an hour to attend an Anberlin concert.
the following monday, Luke arrived in washington, and we met. i had never told him about junior, so he had no idea my heart belonged to another. too bad for me, the other was not here, so i continued a realtionship with luke, the whole time wanting junior. after about 2 and a half months, it was getting too hard to continue with the lie. and luke was told of junior. our relationship ended. and then things got worse. i no longer had anyone to distract me from junior's absence, and i had to fully face it.
The winter of 2010-2011 was the worst of my life. a constant sadness filled me. i drifted a bit from my family, my grades dropped drastically, and i was having random break downs. i yearned immensely for junior. in all honesty, im pretty sure i was near depression through these months. but God gave me the strength to make it through, and as spring came around, i became preoccupied with school events, and was able to become slightly distracted. but no matter how many months passed, my feelings for him did not go. if anything, they became stronger, until what i felt was nothing short of love.
I made it through the school year, and in the summer i decided i was tired of holding, and finally broke free to become who i wanted to be. i got a hair cut that made my mother hate me, and got rid of clothes i didnt want and only had because of her. after the winter i'd had, i was not willing to lose my love and myself. i could not have him, so i decided to gain something that was just as important, and that was me. i refused to let myself be forced to be someone i did not want to be.
So here i am, head half shaved, a year after i walked away from the person i love, and it hasnt gotten any easier to deal with his absence. But im surviving. At the end of this school year, i will graduate and move to California. I dont know if junior will still be there or if he'll come back to washington...i hope he comes back. I dont want to be in the same place as him, knowing i'll love him no less and he wont care. I know by then he'll be over me[if he isnt already], and i dont want him around if i cant have him...but alas, its not up to me. I leave my fate to God. I will wait and see what He throws my way, as i longingly remember my times with Junior, forever carrying Halo pictures that bare the words "Never Forget!"...which I'm sure i never will. I do not know how this path will end,... I do know, however, that i've had a long painful year, and if it takes my whole life, i will not stop fighting to get my happiness back...
So self-absorded,
you've seemed to ignore
the prayers that've already come about.
-The Unwinding Cablecar
