The end is near.

Tonight was my third and last National Honor Society Induction Ceremony. I got my gold cord for graduation...something I told myself I would do long ago. I admit, it was a proud moment.
It went as every other ceremony before this: the intro about what and why we are there, the lighting of the candles at the front table, a guest speaker (which I am delighted to say was Mr. Dillahunt this year! I feel honored that he was the speaker for my third year ceremony!), then the handing of cords to third year, pins to seconds, and member card to firsts, special awards, and finally the lighting of individual candles by all of us as we recite the NHS oath. Then we all gather for cake and punch! :)
However this time, it was different. For one, Dillahunt is the only person I can think of that is able to bring tears to my eyes by the shear inspiration of his words! I managed to hold back the tears, but it wasn't easy. He spoke of moving forward, and seeing the world, and how each and every one of us this have the capability to do something amazing. It only brought to realization even more how little time I have left Only about 5 more weeks and then it's graduation.... And then only God know what. I'd be lying if I said I'm dying to get to graduation. If anything, I fear it. I fear losing friends, leaving behind memories, forgetting or being forgotten by the people I leave here in Prosser. What scares me most is leaving behind the teachers I've had. I fear that years from now, if I am to come across them, I will not remember them...or even more frightening, that I will remember them as if it were yesterday, and they not remember me at all. This is what I am scared of most. The teachers I have gone through have been the role models and inspiration of my life. Some look up to siblings, parents, aunts uncles, etc.... But it was teachers who inspired, who motivated me. The idea of leaving them behind in Prosser breaks my hearts.
But in the end, my dreams are to big not to follow, and I must try to reach them. I will live in the memory of the life I created here, as I try to reach the life I've dreamt, hoping that some day God will set me on a path back here.



“A place in thy memory, dearest, Is all that I claim; To pause and look back when thou hearest The sound of my name” ❤

...

And so I've come to realize that dark times come with ghosts, and no matter what you do or where you go, they will haunt. Along with this, I've come realize that with desperation comes hope.
I've been overpowered by the shadows of despair. I have felt loss and sorrow down to my core. But now I've reached a point where I'm starting to see the light, waiting for me to leaving the dark. I am not healed, and may never will be. The scars will fade, but the memory won't. I know the ghosts will haunt me for a long time, maybe forever. But I am hopeful and stronger than I was before. Driven by the dream of better times, I go forward under God's grace.
Yes, I am still shattered, but I'm alive. I've hit the bottom, and from here there's no other way but up.


"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me.
Your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
-Psalms 23:4

I walked in the rain today

I walked in the rain today...and it's almost as if I was cleansed. I walked down the sidewalk, no jacket, under the heavy cover clouds, feeling the cool drops pour on me. The kind of day that would bring me gloominess, with it's gray shades and sunless sky, made me feel so free! The cold rain gave my goosebumps, but in a good way. I smiled the whole time, just feeling a sense of happiness and refreshness I felt in a while. I felt something healing in me.
It had actually been a pretty decent day, to start with. School was fine, with our "presidential campaigns"(which are actually fun) in Dillahunts and a pretty good P.E. day, that involved a "relaxation moment" in the end that may have been brought on because of me. :) then I stayed after school and talked with my friend Mayo, and helped her get some interviews for the Cinco de Mayo assembly video. It was during those who hours that the fun really happened.
Mayo and I stood in outside the school library for a good while just discussing prom and whatnot. Then we to go see some other M.E.Ch.A members working on the assembly display case. While we watched them, we decided to get some work done on the interviews, and went around asking teachers who were still around what cinco de mayo meant to them. This was rather amusing as some of them had some really funny responses, especially since just about all of them are Caucasian. :P Mr. Sonnichsen learned today that Cinco De Mayo is not Mexico's independence. Lol. We decided to ask Dillahunt(of course), since he was hanging out in the library...the encounter, however, went a little something like this:
(we walk into library. Dillahunt is @ counter right next to entrance)
Dillahunt: "Hi Carminator!"
Me: "Hey Dilla....wait what did you just call me!?"
(and then a whole bunch of laughing from Dillahunt, mayo, and our friend Maria)
Dillahunt: " Carminator."
Maria: "that's her new nickname!!"
Dillahunt: "yeah, you're Carminator Acosta. Carminator Acosta Brava!"
Me: "what!? I don't even know where your getting all this from!!"
Dillahunt: "I'm not getting from anywhere! We just do it because we like ya!"
Then we went on laughing some more, and eventually managed to get his interview.
I found this entertaining, as well as significant, because here I am, about 5 weeks from graduation, and never have I been given a nickname by a teacher! I thought I had actually gotten through my entire school career and never gotten nicknamed. But of course, what else can you expect when you've had Dillahunt. I'm not complaining! I just thought that it was funny.
Mayo and I then went back with the other MEChA members, who had just finished with the display case. They had a baby blue balloon which they had intended to use for the display and didn't, so I took it. Ms. Rivera then came by to check on the display, which was followed by her pulling mayo and I aside to have a unhappy discussion with us. Or at least unhappy for us. She walked smiling, and we ended just mad at her. -_- but it didn't last long.
We(mayo, her sister, her sisters friend and I) ended up in the middle of the hallway outside of the library, talking and watching Lulu try to teach a tango dance to mayo for the assembly. And eventually we made our way back into the library. We talked with Maria and luz, who had been studying in the library. I still had my balloon with me, and some comment to luz about it being a "mad balloon" and she looked at it and said "I dont see a mad face on it!" So naturally, I pulled out my sharpie and drew an angry face on it. Maria looked at it and immediately was like "it looks like Dillahunt!" of course it didn't, it was just funny. Dillahunt was still in the library, but he was in the computer lab, which is just separated from the library by a wall of windows. So i took my sharpie and wrote "Mr. Dillahunt" on the balloon. Maria ran to get tape and we stuck the balloon on the window, facing him. We all started laughing, just then Dillahunt got up to get a paper from the printer, which was right next to the window, and saw the balloon. Instantly he started laughing. "I look nothing like that!" he said. We all just laughed some more.
Then Dillahunt stepped out of the library, and I took the balloon down saying I didn't know what to do with it, but that I felt I should leave it somewhere for Dillahunt. And of course the first thing that popped into my mind was his car! So mayo and I grabbed a few more pieces of tape and ran out to his car. It was raining, so the tape didn't stick well. So we just tucked it under his windshield wiper. :) when we went back to the library, we realized it was almost 6pm already. So decided it was time to go and said bye to everyone. On our way out, we saw Dillahunt in the hall. "Bye Mr. Dillahunt, have a good day!" we said, laughing at what we had just done, and what he would discover in a while.
Once outside, I said by to mayo, and started my short walk home in the rain.