Today was my first day of Senior year. In less than a year i'll be done; no more Prosser, no more high school, no more immature drama....no more small town hangouts, no more well known faces, or loving teachers. No more of the life i know.
Bittersweet.
It's awesome to know that this year will just slide by, since i've already gotten over the hardest part. It's amazing to know that i've made it this far. It's great to know that in less than a year i'll be out of here, in a place where i can finally really be me. It's beautiful to know, soon my future will trully begin....
It's frightening to think that soon i'll be jumping into a world i've never known. It's sad to know that i eventually, i will no longer see the familiar faces i grew up with. It's depressing to know that my final year is missing so many special people who i always thought i'd be sharing this time with. It's heartbreaking to think that once i'm gone, the teachers who changed me so much may not remember me.
It's a battle of emotions within my heart. Excitement to reach my dreams, but fear of forgetting or being forgotten. This has always been my greatest fear. I do not fear death, or bad luck, or spiders....i fear the word 'forget.' i fear that this final year will bring forth the action of this word, and that soon things, people, and events will not be remembered.
I also fear, that my final year will not be what i wished it to be. It's my senior year! Being advanced in some subjects, i do not have to take hard classes, or any classes i didnt want to take. I had a great schedule planned for this year; the best part being a TA for one of my favorite teachers. All summer i looked forward to this particular class, knowing i got along amazingly with the teacher, and that i would be helping during a class i had previously taken and happen to be the best english class i'd had....but today i came to find i could no longer do it. you could imagine the great disappointment it was to me, and the extreme irritation is brought to throw this piece of news on top of the other annoying conflicts i was already having. So much for an awesome first day. Apart from all this, i'm dealing with that fact that many people i believed i would be sharing this final year with, i am not. some having drifted apart over the last year or two, others having moved or changed schools...its completely heartbreaking. If this first day is a foreshadow of what is to come of this year, then i pray that it goes by fast, without even the slightest of notice from me.
But in the end, i would be lying if i said that the end of my senior year will not bring forth tremendous tears, because i know that saying goodbye is one of life's hardest tasks.
Its the beginning of the end. So bittersweet.
"Waves of memories crashing at my feet,
I wouldn't trade them for anything.
But the road ahead is a page unread... "
August 29, 2011
August 25, 2011
Homeless?
It's a sad thing when nothing feels right in the place that should be home; when the people in it aren't the ones you trust or make you happy and it suddenly feels like paining memories overtake the joyous ones here...it's a sad thing when the place that should be home doesn't feel like home.
And then again maybe i have no right to complain. I've had a good life, in a way. I have a family, a roof over my head, education, and luxury to some extent. But luxury can't fix the problems under that roof. Yes, i have a family...with sisters who only seem to see the negative parts of me, and can't help but be self-centered often times; and with parents who have been married over 20 years, but to me, i don't see how they've lasted that long.
And yes, education is important and i have been a very good student for as long as i can remember...but success in school has only blinded my parents for my expectations. They want from me a career that will allow me to care for myself, earn a living with luxury, while still showing my "smarts." They still do not know that i desire a life of music. They don't see it as a sensible career... Money means little to me if it means i can have music.
And my sisters...will thats always been a struggle. When i was younger, my mother spoiled me a lot, me being the youngest. Constant teasing, annoyed stares, and remarks made me question if my sisters hated me. It seemed like they shared everything with each other, and i knew nothing about their life outside of this house. Eventually, i was able to let go of this belief and thought that now that i was growing they were finally coming closer. Recently, old thoughts have returned....maybe things never changed. Maybe they just seemed like that because one of them left for 4 years. Let me just say, it saddens me to know that i've never felt a comfort around them that allowed to open up to then and let them know me...its sad to know my family might be the people in my life that know me the least.
And again, i wonder, do i have a right to complain? People out there are in worst conditions than i am. There are people with no families, without a house, no education, or living in poverty...i can honestly say, i don't know if have a right to these words. My heart pains and yearns, but i have not lacked the items of a good life.
I guess, we all lack on some way...We are all in poverty to some extent.
"No I'm am not where I belong,
So shine a light and guide me back home."
-C&C
And then again maybe i have no right to complain. I've had a good life, in a way. I have a family, a roof over my head, education, and luxury to some extent. But luxury can't fix the problems under that roof. Yes, i have a family...with sisters who only seem to see the negative parts of me, and can't help but be self-centered often times; and with parents who have been married over 20 years, but to me, i don't see how they've lasted that long.
And yes, education is important and i have been a very good student for as long as i can remember...but success in school has only blinded my parents for my expectations. They want from me a career that will allow me to care for myself, earn a living with luxury, while still showing my "smarts." They still do not know that i desire a life of music. They don't see it as a sensible career... Money means little to me if it means i can have music.
And my sisters...will thats always been a struggle. When i was younger, my mother spoiled me a lot, me being the youngest. Constant teasing, annoyed stares, and remarks made me question if my sisters hated me. It seemed like they shared everything with each other, and i knew nothing about their life outside of this house. Eventually, i was able to let go of this belief and thought that now that i was growing they were finally coming closer. Recently, old thoughts have returned....maybe things never changed. Maybe they just seemed like that because one of them left for 4 years. Let me just say, it saddens me to know that i've never felt a comfort around them that allowed to open up to then and let them know me...its sad to know my family might be the people in my life that know me the least.
And again, i wonder, do i have a right to complain? People out there are in worst conditions than i am. There are people with no families, without a house, no education, or living in poverty...i can honestly say, i don't know if have a right to these words. My heart pains and yearns, but i have not lacked the items of a good life.
I guess, we all lack on some way...We are all in poverty to some extent.
"No I'm am not where I belong,
So shine a light and guide me back home."
-C&C
August 15, 2011
Oh my, it's been so long...
Well, I have failed at the goal I set for myself when i created this blog, which was to document my life as best as i could and as often! It is clear that this did not happen, seeing as i only have 3 posts, and the last one was on new years! BUT, this is my new start! I will now attempt to achieve the goal i set forth to accomplish, and it only seemed right that i should start on this day: 2 years since my life completely changed! :)
Two years ago, on this day, i went to Warped Tour for the first time, and if ever there was an experience that was eye-opening/life-changing, it was this. Since that day, so many things about my person, life, even future, have changed. The person who was 2 years is almost all gone, making way for the one i'm becoming...and i am perfectly ok with that! since that day, i've come to find a piece of me i didn't existed. i found that part of me i was meant to be....i found the one thing i couldn't live without, and along with it, found a refeshed love in God. If i hadn't attended Warped Tour that summer, i really don't know what person i would be right now...but i honestly believe i wouldn't be as happy as i mine with who i am now! Being there that day, surrounded by music and nothing more, filled my heart in a way i'd rarely ever felt. In an enviroment so chaotic, loud, and pretty much insane, i felt only comfort. As the day ended, i knew i wanted nothing more than this...this world of music and joy! Since then, i have dreamed only of making it so the music world! I've got a long way to go, and a lot of things to learn and do, but it's something no one, but God, can stop me from reaching!
However, as great as my Warped experience was with all it's great outcome, there definitely has been some downfalls along the way. Along with discovering the person i am and want to be, came the disapproving eye of others. In such a smal town, where even the smallest things can stand out, it's difficult to be unique. Along with this, came the build up and downfall of relationships and friendships, the struggle of trying to be myself when so many things tried to push me down, and the experience of love and loss. Within the last 2 years, i lived the darkest moment of my life, which was just this last winter. It was a long, painful few months, which even now, I am still trying to recover from. But, 2 days ago i went to my 3rd warped tour, and once again i felt a hint of the feeling i had my first time....a hope that maybe now things would get better. And so this is the reason i resume my attempt at this blog. I have lived through the best and worst moments of my life so far[which blogs to come will explain], i am months from becoming 18, and a year from leaving this damned town. So so me, this is the best time to document my life thus far, and all that is to come as i prepare myself to finally reach true freedom! :)
So this is a new beginning, and i hope things will only get better from here!
"So here's to starting over...The future's mine to claim!"
Two years ago, on this day, i went to Warped Tour for the first time, and if ever there was an experience that was eye-opening/life-changing, it was this. Since that day, so many things about my person, life, even future, have changed. The person who was 2 years is almost all gone, making way for the one i'm becoming...and i am perfectly ok with that! since that day, i've come to find a piece of me i didn't existed. i found that part of me i was meant to be....i found the one thing i couldn't live without, and along with it, found a refeshed love in God. If i hadn't attended Warped Tour that summer, i really don't know what person i would be right now...but i honestly believe i wouldn't be as happy as i mine with who i am now! Being there that day, surrounded by music and nothing more, filled my heart in a way i'd rarely ever felt. In an enviroment so chaotic, loud, and pretty much insane, i felt only comfort. As the day ended, i knew i wanted nothing more than this...this world of music and joy! Since then, i have dreamed only of making it so the music world! I've got a long way to go, and a lot of things to learn and do, but it's something no one, but God, can stop me from reaching!
However, as great as my Warped experience was with all it's great outcome, there definitely has been some downfalls along the way. Along with discovering the person i am and want to be, came the disapproving eye of others. In such a smal town, where even the smallest things can stand out, it's difficult to be unique. Along with this, came the build up and downfall of relationships and friendships, the struggle of trying to be myself when so many things tried to push me down, and the experience of love and loss. Within the last 2 years, i lived the darkest moment of my life, which was just this last winter. It was a long, painful few months, which even now, I am still trying to recover from. But, 2 days ago i went to my 3rd warped tour, and once again i felt a hint of the feeling i had my first time....a hope that maybe now things would get better. And so this is the reason i resume my attempt at this blog. I have lived through the best and worst moments of my life so far[which blogs to come will explain], i am months from becoming 18, and a year from leaving this damned town. So so me, this is the best time to document my life thus far, and all that is to come as i prepare myself to finally reach true freedom! :)
So this is a new beginning, and i hope things will only get better from here!
"So here's to starting over...The future's mine to claim!"
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