Yes.No.Good.Bad....Huh?

Life is a confusing concept. Every day we try to make choices that we think will benefit us, or will help others. Yet, we dont seem satisfied when we choose it.
this is just how im feeling.

have you ever been hurt by someone you really loved?...or been in a situation where even if they wanted to, they couldnt retaliate your feelings?...yup, i've seen it, been through it. Now because of this experience, im paying the consequence for something someone did to me! its seems to screwed up, i know. but now i dont know what i want. I dont know if anyone can relate to this, but has an experience like this ever led you to loose the desire for a companion?...it has for me. for so long, all i wanted was to find a boyfriend who liked me and would be there for me, just like any other teenager. Now, its seems so low. The thought of a little high school relationship disgusts me. Maybe i've lost desire for a companion?... or maybe this experience has matured me so much that i can only feel comfortable with a realtionship that is serious, and not just a little memory of school? i dont know... but its how i feel. sounds like a lot of rambling, but its getting somewhere.
ok, so because of this experience[getting back on topic] i had to make a choice a few months ago. I met a guy, he was new to our school this year, and there was to denying that we were drawn to each other. Little by little, we started talking and got along pretty well. But no matter how drawn i felt to him, i knew that something that to be done. from what i had been through before, i couldnt put myself in a relationship with him, and yet i wanted to. but i knew that if i couldnt commit, i would only break him. So i had to choose, end it now or commit?...i knew i couldnt commit...and so winter break was a sad one. for both, him and i. it hurt to do it, but i tried to justify and put my own mind at peace by saying to myself that i had done it to cause him less pain. but it only lasted a few day...too soon i was asking for him to come back. and it looked like it was too late. For over a months he ignored me, hurt by what i had done. and i was falling apart. now, after so long of silence, he seems to just be back. Hes there, laughing, talking with me like it never happened...and yet, i still feel that its wrong!...
I wasnt at ease when we first started talking. i felt empty and sad when he wasnt around. and now im back to the uneasy feeling i had at the beginning.
And so my point being: Why are we, humans, so unsatisfied with what we get, even the things we choose? We think we make the right choices, only to try to take them back in a matter of days. But we only end up where we began. Why is it so hard to try to help ourselvesm and yet, let others change our whole lives?...why do we make it so hard to just live with what we have?...


Tell it to me straight, give it to me now
Face forward.
-Foreign Language

Hello.

Hello everyone. well this is my first post...obviously. just want to introduce myself and kind of tell a little on what you will find in blogs to come.

to start, im Carmi Acosta. live in a small town in Washington State, student in high school. i live life just like everyone else. i get through life day by day, encounter and solve [or at least try to] conflict, build memories with friends and family, and fall asleep every night to wake in the morning and start a new day. i do, however, believe i lived a life different than some, maybe most, people/teens. i've been through things that, had i not discovered a source of hope, would have easily torn me down. see me at school, with friends or family, and i may not look any different from everyone else. but look deeper into my heart and mind, and you will find the scars of my life, of loses and sadness, of dissappointment, of betrayal. but you will also find the results of these scars...you'll find matured ideals in a young mind, springing of new hope, realization of the true passions...the person that i can happily say i am becoming.

i had thought about starting a blog for a while now. somewhere where i can release my emotions, talk about my thoughts, write the story of my life. and so here i am. here to tell you of my goals and dreams and let you in. to tell you of the experiences i've been through and will go through later on. to tell you of the people that marked my life. to tell you the story of my life, how music and refreshed love for God saved my life just it all seemed to be coming. and so here i am...to let you see my life as i am living it. if it interests you, then i invite you in, to come and read my thoughts and emotions the way i really feel them, but am not bold enough to speak aloud. i invite to read my story...


"Laugh, love, live free and sing."
-Paperthin Hymn