The End.

My last day of school was just such a memorable day. I had gone to sleep super late the night before writing the most grateful 'thank you' card I could write for Mrs. Skeen, Mr. Cole, Tracey, Mr. Dillahunt, and Mr. Butler.
I awoke in the morning got ready and was at school as the same time as usual. The senior class then proceeded to spend the whole morning practicing the walk we would be doing the next day at graduation. Judy(my walking partner) and I were in the very back row for graduation, the row only consisted of about 12 of us, and we talked to all of them people in it, so we spent about the whole time messing around and cracking jokes. As we practiced going up to the stage and receiving our diploma frame, Mr. Gant was standing up front, cuing each student went to walk up. When I got to the front, he looked at me and started laughing. "When you hear your name walk across the stage...and walk and walk and keep walking and don't come back!" he said, laughing. I laughed and gave him a look. We always has gotten along like that.
At the end of what was 3rd period, the rest of the classes came to the gym for the Moving Up assembly. It seemed like just yesterday I was at my first Moving Up and Mr. Lusk was telling us "now remember, you are not sophomores until next year starts. You are still FRESHMAN!"
With that assembly done, the school was released on an extended lunch. I went to find lily so we could give Cole a little gift. (he liked to call people nerds all the time, so we got him a little box of Nerds and wrapped it up.) I gave him his thank you card while I was at it.
Tsadhe, Judy, and I then spent the most interesting lunch ever together. I wanted to deliver the rest of the cards, however I was only able to get ahold of Skeen at the beginning of lunch, so then I had to wait around the whole
Lunch for the rest.
While we waited, tsadhe decided to pick up the cat my neighbor had said she would give her. So we went to get it, and then went to the store to get some cat food, which I had to carry around In my bag. We then went back to school, and sat outside of Butlers portable, waiting for him to show up. After a while, Judy had to leave, so tsadhe and I went into yetter's portable and talked with him for a while. He seemed weirded out that we had a kitten with us. After a few minutes we left, and I figured maybe Butlers class would be in the library, which was why he wasn't in his class. As we walked across school campus, people kept stopping us to look at the kitten. We got to the library a few minutes before lunch ended, so we stood out in the hall waiting for Butler. Finally he showed up.
"Mr. Butler! You are a hard person to locate!" I said.
"I didn't know I was trying to be located," he replied. We chuckled.
"well you didn't think I'd leave without getting you to sign my yearbook, did you!?" I said.
"Oh of course not, how could you!?"
I handed him my yearbook and a pen. "here, hold this" he said handing me this cup of water. As he was writing, a picture Juan had given me of us in DC was slipping out of the yearbook. He grabbed it and handed it to me, and continued writing. He had some sunglasses that he had set on top of his head, and they kept sliding down as he wrote. He took them off and handed them to me. "Sorry, I'm just giving you everything," he said, laughing. As he wrote he asked, "so what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to Boise state..."
"oh very nice!"
"...I'm going for English, actually."
He turned to look at, a small knowing smile on his face. A few weeks before, I had to write a note to a teacher thanking them for something, as an assignment for a class. I chose to write to him, I thanked him for being an awesome teacher and helping me discover how much I loved to write. It's thanks to his class I'm now pursuing an English major. So telling him so was telling him that he had helped me plan my future, and he knew so.
When he finished writing, he handed me my yearbook back, and i gave back his water and glasses, and the thank you card. He wished me luck and said to keep in touch. I promised to come back and visit. Tsadhe kept amazing people with her kitty.
We went to find Dillahunt. Class had started already, but he had mainly senior classes, and since those were over, we wouldn't be interrupting anything. We found him as he was going into his class. We talked for a few minutes, he asked about the cat, and then I have him his thank you card. I went to the office to drop off Tracey's card since she wasn't at school yet. Then I sat in front of the school with tsadhe, while we waited for her parents to pick her up. Then I went home.

I woke up the next morning at around 8:00 am. I got up, put on the dress I had gotten weeks before especially for this day, fixed my hair and makeup, and as I was trying to figure out what jewelry to wear, Judy showed up. I finished up, we grabbed our caps and gowns, got in her car, and left to school. We were checked at the door, to make sure nobody had any silly string or distracting objects(or anything for that matter!) Mrs. Skeen was checking the girls, she thanked me for the card, said it was beautiful and that it was something she would keep. I smiled and proceeded into the gym. Everyone was standing around, some in gowns already, a few teachers standing around taking pictures and having the the last conversation they may ever have with these people. Eventually, everyone was in their cap and gown and they lined us up. The last announcement were made and we started our walk to the football stadium where the ceremony would take place.
The walk was hot, and the dang wedges were hurting the ankle I had twisted a few weeks before. We got the stadium, and walked a bit of the track before they stopped us. The teachers went ahead and lined up on the field in two lines, creating a path in between for us to walk through.
I walked on the right side, with Judy to my left, and we made our way across the field. As we walked between the teachers, I passed many which I'd had in my four years of high school. They smiled, shook my hand, and patted me on the back, congratulating me. And then...at the end of the teacher line was Mr. Butler. He put his hand out, I reached for it, expecting another hand shake. Instead, I was pulled into a hug.
That moment resonates in my head like a million fireworks. If had not been for that moment, I could have gone the whole ceremony without shedding a tear. But it was that moment that made me see what I was really leaving behind: a group of people, grown ups, who had accepted and appreciated me for who I was. I was leaving behind the teachers to had inspired me. And that broke my heart. I started crying as I walked away from Mr. Butler.
It didn't last long because Judy was freaking out about me crying(she's the kind of person that always cries if she sees someone else crying) and it made me laugh.
We got to our spot in the back row and spent a majority of the ceremony just messing around with tsadhe, Mateo, zuleima, and Cody. Until finally we got to the walking part. We went up row by row, so we were towards the end. Eventually it got to us, so we went up one by one, Mr. Gant saying to each one at the stage steps "when you hear your name walk across." When I finally got the the stage steps, Gant looked at me and chuckled.
"When you hear your name walk across the stage...JUST walk."
"Ok, I'll try not to trip!" I said.
"Oh god, please don't!" he said, laughing.
I heard my name, and walked across, shaking the school boards' hands and recieving my diploma frame. Then I got to Mr. Lusk, the principle, and he turned to take the traditional 'principle/grad' picture, and then turned to me and said "good job, kiddo!" with a kind smile. He had been a great person to work with in the office.
I walked off the stage, and Judy and I walked back to our seats. They finished off the ceremony with the switching of the tassel and our caps being thrown in the air. During this, Gant was putting out the boxes of silly string they provided at each graduation so we can go crazy for one last time. He was putting them out just a few feet away from where Judy and I were.
"Can we grab them now!?" Judy asked. You could see it was the question on everyone's mind.
"Who cares!?" I said and ran for them. Everyone followed behind me. And we went crazy.
Family and friends made their way down to the field, and I was ambushed by balloons and flowers and hugs and pictures.


"Tonight, we are young.
So let's set the world on fire.
We can burn brighter
than the sun."
-Fun. (Graduation Song)

Stalling as always. :P

Well this is yet another late post! IM GRADUATED!!! yay! Lol. I meant to write about my graduation waaaay back on the weekend it actually happened, but I kept slacking. But, like I always says, better late than never. :)
So the last week of school for me was extremely bittersweet. I got my acceptance letter to Boise State University! And as I looked at it, and thought about it, I decided to do it. I didn't even apply to the Musicians Institute, however I don't regret it. I believe that if I have the talent, passion, and will, I can make it to a music life without the need to go to a music school. I can do this if I want it, and if God is willing. So BSU it is, and I am happy with my choice of staying close to the church life and pursuing an English major. However, as great as I felt with my acceptance to BSU, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I was leaving behind the school life I had come to love here in Prosser. The people, friends, and teachers I had gotten along with, and the memories I had created. It sadden me to leave them.
The choir class was asked to sing at baccalaureate. Once, while we practiced Journey In Peace, which was the song we would perform, the underclass men were looking around looking at the seniors in class, knowing we had only a few days. They all had looks of sadness. Our choir class had come to be very close, so our departure was sad for all of us. But as we sang, I saw Gena, Matie, Teryn, and the loving altos I had sang with all year looking at me, it was too much. I ran out of class, and cried in the hallway. Tracy(Mrs. Boyle) understood, of course. She's always been an awesome teacher. So she let me be, and let me have my moment. Surprisingly, this was the only breakdown I had while in school. Although I was almost sure it would have been Dillahunts class in which it would have happened.
The office was sad to leave too. Jessica, the junior office aid who had worked in the office with me all year, had become such a fun friend. We had a lot of laughs while in the office, I didn't think I'd get so close to her. And of course, the office staff! those people made the period oh so unforgettable. It was a bit heartbreaking to find out Mr. Gant would be leaving PHS. he was always fun to have around in the office. leadership was surprisingly not so emotional. But i think it's because Mrs. Skeen kept us busy til the last minute. Even still, as I wrote a 'thank you' card to Skeen the night before the last day, I couldn't help but feel terribly sad to leave the class.
Of course, Dillahunts was horribly heartbreaking to leave! The last day in class he made notes for all of us, and gave them to us as he signed our sign out sheets. When I received mine, I read it and instantly wanted to cry. Leaving behind him and his class was the hardest for me, and the note didn't help. But Judy, and other friends were around, and I didn't want to cry around them. Plus, they kept messing around and joking, so i was able to keep distracted. Still, it hurt.
And then there's Cole's class. I admit I was glad to finally not have to run and do all the workouts, however, this was just as hard to leave behind. Cole had been around since freshman year, and we got along soooo well! He was just one of those teachers that wasn't like a teacher to me...we joked, and laugh, and picked on each other. Any time we talked, it was hardly school/grade related. We just conversed. He was like a 'pal' I guess you could say. I know that sounds weird to say about a teacher, but it's true.
And then, there was just all those other teachers and staff that I didn't have this year but I had known and gotten along with all along. It was just so sad to leave them. But at the same time I couldn't help think that in a few months I would be gone and starting over and just being free!
Now, I know I haven't talked about graduation yet, but as I was writing this, I decided to put this into two different posts. The last week is a completely different experience and memory than my last day and graduation. that will go into the next post. So read on...

Washington DC <3

Alrighty, this post is looong over due! But better late than never. Lol. I have been dying to write about my week in Washington DC. I haven't had the opportunity to get around to doing it til now...plus I only have about 3 weeks til graduation, and I had been planning for a while to spend these weeks writing about something school related. But I'll get to that within the coming weeks, so for now: DC!!! :D I don't think I have quite the time or energy to explain my ENTIRE week...so I've decided to just make a list of moments (big and small) that stand out in my mind from the trip. I know some of them are going to sound dumb and meaningless, but they are prominent to me, so for some reason they have meaning to me. :)

•Starting to read Mockingjay on the bus ride to Seatle while Brenda started Catching Fire.
•Mr. Dillahunt suddenly handing me $120 in cash while at McD's in north bend.....very random!....and somewhat awkward. Lol
•Watching everybody get into line and getting their plane tickets, while Brenda, Juan, Danika, and I stood aside because we had a different flight.
•Brenda, Danika, and I riding the people mover back and forth and Mr. Appelgate laughing at us.
•3 hours at the Seattle airport because of flight delay. (during which time, I think Appelgate noticed my scars.)
•praying as the plane took off.
•Waking up after about an hours sleep, and looking out the plane window just as the sun is starting to rise. Quite possibly the most beautiful thing I've seen.
•Hour and a half wait at the Boston airport.
•Falling asleep on the plane from Boston to DC and waking up to see DC out my window.
•Walking through the Old Post Office with our suitcases.
•going to a bunch of memorials as soon as we left the old post office. Lincoln memorial was my favorite. :)
•Brenda and I wondering the Smithsonian of Natural History and exiting the wrong side....so we had to walk around the whole dang building to get to the group's meeting spot! Lol
•Mr. Dillahunt told us we would have to be riding the metro all week instead of the buses everyone was taking. so that very first night I got to ride the metro for the first time ever!
•When we got on the metro, the seat next to Dillahunt was open. "Come on carmi, i don't bite," he said. So I took the seat next to him. He flicked me on my back. -_-
•Finally getting to the hotel! We were sooooooooo tired!!!
•brenda, Danika, and I were roomies. As soon as we got to our room, Brenda and I got in pjs, Danika went to some of the other girls' room. Brenda chose to wear some shorts short for pjs that night....To her luck, she answered the door when Dillahunt came by to do room check! Haha she was so weirded out, she didn't open the door for room all week after that.
•During this same occasion, Mr. Dillahunt gave us cookies that the hotel had provided for us, it was a cookie per person. He also said he'd be back in a bit, since Danika wasn't in the room when he stopped by. He then came back 5minutes later to check if danika was back, which she was, and he handed me another three cookies. "oh you already gave us cookies," I told him. "oh I did?....well take another!" he said.
•taking the metro to Arlington Cemetary the next morning...and getting there way before the rest of the group.
•Getting on the metro, then catching a cab go Mt. Vernon...and beating the group there again, even thought we drive right past the buses on the way there.
•Every one waiting in line to get a tour of George Washington's house, while we roamed the plantation, because our tour was for another 2hours. (my ankle started bugging me during this time.)
•Danika, Brenda, Juan, and I laying out on George Washington's soaking in the sun! First real sunny day I'd felt since fall!
•Appelgate finally finding us, and taking a tour of the Washington house. And Appelgate pointing out that the beds were rather small for a full grown man...don't know why that caught his attention but alright. Lol
•Taking a taxi back into the city, and arriving at King Street Blue before everyone...again. So we went in and ordered. I got some nachos. It was during this meal that I realized how much I actually liked Appelgate. I'd had him as a teacher in 8th grade, but I never tried getting along with him like I did with my other teachers. But while the 5 of us ate, we talked and he asked us questions like "if you could only listen to one band, who would it be?" or "if you could only watch one show, what would it be?" but of course, the best part was when he became Uncle Appelgate (later to be Uncle Pederman). "you know what is something really fun to do when you're around people you don't know?...just make stuff up!" he said, one point after the waitress had just walked away. "So hears our story. Today is my birthday, and I'm your guy's favorite uncle and you brought me out to eat!" we all laughed.
•Walking down a few blocks to wait for our Ghost Story Tour to start. We went into a candy shop while we waited, and I bought a bunch of pop rocks. Then as Brenda and I were talking to Appelgate and Skeen, we were informed of videos on YouTube known as The Housel by the middle school teachers.
•The entire travel group was split in two, and each half went with their tour guide. Ours was friendly, but the best at seeking the 'scary' story, but nice nonetheless.
•Everyone getting back on the bus, except for Brenda, Juan, danika, Charlie, Helen, frank, gabe, and I because Dillahunt was gonna take us to see the White House. Apparently, they had gone the day before, but we missed it because we arrived an hours after them. Charlie had gotten pink eye, and had to be taken to the hospital to get eye drops...Helen, gabe, and frank just tagged along. Lol.
•Dillahunt kept chuckling at me because I was walking a bit behind the group. He thought it was because I was tired, and I was considering it was like 10pm, but it was mainly because my ankle was killing me...but I didn't want I say anything.
•Getting to the white house, and taking a bunch of pictures! :)
•Mr. Dillahunt putting his arm around me, just as we were getting to the hotel, and asking if had been tired since we left, after noticing I had been getting slower. I just said yes; didn't want him to know my ankle was hurting.
•Taking the bus for the one hour ride to the Naval Academy, during which time, Brenda and I decided to look up The Housel on my phone...and discovered middle school teachers have way too much time on their hands. Because of these videos, Appelgate became Pederman, and Skeen became Vandalay. ^_^
•Getting back into the city and taking a tour of Fords Theater. After which every went separate ways to buy some lunch. Tawnee and Tricia ended up joining Brenda and I at McD's and then we all went to spend the last half out at the 3story Forever 21 down the block.
•Everyone meeting up and walking down the the Smithsonian of American History. Brenda, Juan and I wondered jt together. but ooooh dear goodness, we were tired! And my ankle wasn't helping. :P
•Exiting the museum after enough time, and sitting outside in the sun, on the stairs around the fountain outside with the people who had already exited, waiting for everyone else.
•Eating fries, fruit punch, and ice cream at Ollie's Trolly.
•Brenda posing in the oval office setting at the wax museum. She got really comfortable on that desk!! Lol
•walking by the Smithsonian of American Art and saying I wish I could go there. "really!?" Pederman said, surprised. "...yes." I replied. "you like art?!" he seemed very surprised by this for some reason. "oh wait, of course you do, you're a photographer!" he finally concluded.
•Going to the Spy Museum and loosing Brenda once we got in, so I wondered alone through it. During this time, I realized that no matter how far I go, and what I'm doing, I can't escape my ghosts. One point, as I was getting to the end of the museum tour, I suddenly felt an emptiness, and I felt like I was short of oxygen. I went through one door, followed the guided path and through another door, only to end up in the original hall. Suddenly, I felt a slight desperation, and a need to get out. I quickly found the exit door, and almost ran out, into the gift shop. I can't explain it...idk why this happened. But I didnt like it.
•Walking to the capital building and getting to tour it. Then taking the underground tunnel that connects to the Library of Congress.
•The Library of Congress. So beautiful.
•Sitting at one of the tables outside the library and talking with Dillahunt.
•getting on the busses and going to the Jefferson memorial. Oh the setting is just amazing, right on the river, looking out and seeing the Washington monument, just as the sun is starting to lower in the sky (not quite sunset, but no longer the afternoon bright sky). I took a couple pictures, then I sat at the edge of the monument 'sidewalk' looking out. And letting my emotions sink in, allowing a tear to leave me.
•Getting on the busses again and going to the Kennedy Center to watch a play. We arrived a bit early, so we all went out to the terrace and hung out and enjoyed the beautiful view. At this point, emotions were getting the best of me. I wondered a bit away a from the group and just stared out, not wanting to cry, but tears forming anyways.
•Mrs. and Mr. Skeen, Pederman, Brenda, and Juan coming over to where I was standing, so Brenda, Juan, mrs Skeen, and I could take a pictures together. Pederman held the camera up ready to shoot, and said "alright, everyone smile! Pretend like your happy to be here!" we all laughed and smiled for the picture. "Good job at pretending to be happy," Pederman said. I think I saw him glance at me.
•Watching the play Shear Madness. Oh goodness that was funny!!!!! And one of the actors was pretty attractive. ;) lol
•going to the air and space museum.
•Brenda checking the ATM to see how much money she had....then came the creation of her infamous '$97 song'
•going to the Newseum. :)
•Looking at the Pulitzer display @ the Newseum. Then me and ms jones realizing that everyone had left to the presentation they had set up for our group, and had been left behind. We wondered a bit, went to the gift shop and looked around. Then we went in to see a 4D video, which was pretty cool!
•Brenda and Ms Jones doing a fake news report! (Ms. Jones' infamous line: "mmm. I love me those hotdogs!")
•Going to the National Archives, and getting in trouble by security for chewing gum.
•Going to the MLK Memorial. Then walking over to the FDR memorial.
•While sitting at the FDR with Brenda, Sam, and Jessica, talking with Dillahunt and confessing that I flinch every time he comes near because I feel like he's going to thump my forehead! Lol
•Going to eat at a Mexican restaurant and getting served pink lemonade! :)
•Finally getting to go shopping at Pentagon City Mall!!!
•Three guys trying to hit on me and Brenda as we were leaving Forever 21. Brenda is so sweet and innocent, she has no idea what was going on.
•The girl working at gap saying she loved my shoes. (yellow oxfords.) not sure why I remember this. O_o
•Going to the Washington monument the next day, and freezing because the wind was cooold!
•The Bureau of Engraving and Printing. Not the most exciting, but interesting still.
•The Holocaust Museum.
•Entering the room filled with shoes taken from camps. The musty smell, dim light...the darkness.
•Going through the section known as Daniel's Story. Opening the the box that contained plastic cookies...his sister's name written in fake icing shot a sting through my heart.
•Buying The Giver at the gift shop.
•Heading back to the hotel and getting ready for the dinner cruise.
•Complementing Dillahunt on his spiffy outfit. Haha
•having another moment while outside on the cruise boat.
•sitting and eating with Brenda, tori, Jessica, and gabby.
•Laughing at the middle schoolers, that were also on the boat, as they "danced"
•getting up to dance a song with Juan, then one of the middle school boys comes over and starts dancing with me. He was funny, so I let him. Then he came over and asked to take a picture with us, so we did.
•watching Pederman as he bobbed his head to the music, while other teachers just sat there, conversing.
•everybody singing along to We Are Young.
•Pederman and Skeen busting some moves as we slowly made our way off the boat.
•walking back to the metro station after the cruise, and getting caught in a "shove fight" between ms jones and Dillahunt (they just laughed as they pushed me back and forth and squished me between them. Haha) made sure not to get stuck between those two again!
•danike finding out the next morning that she would be flying alone with Pederman, and freaking out. Not only was it gonna be just them two, but they woould be leaving about 3hours before everyone, and would have to wait in Seattle for those three hours.
•taking our luggage down the next morning to the breakfast room. Our tour guides from the week saying their official farewells(although they still had a few hours with us)
•walking to the supreme court, which was closed unfortunately, and throwing a coin into the fountain outside.
•Dillahunt letting us all wonder the last few hours around the national mall. We went to the NATIONAL ART GALLERY!!!! :D
• Standing in front of Picasso, Monet, and Van Gogh paintings. Surreal. <3
•Buying a little sketch book and drawing pencils. :)
•Brenda and I trying to figure out the map and our phone gps as we try to get to the old post office to eat.
•joining a group of our people who were getting ready to head to the metro stop where everyone was suppose to meet.
•Getting to the airport and finding there was some trouble with our plane tickets.
•seeing mr. Dillahunt angry for the first time. :/
•Saying bye to Deb and the other tour guide, and telling Dillahunt we "were plotting to sneak onto a plane to Hawaii." he said to bring him back a pineapple....and to text him when we got to Chicago. Lol
•Juan, Brenda, and I waiting around for our plane, because we left about half an hour after every one else.
•Drawing the Mockingjay as we flew to Chicago.
•Arriving in Chicago, and sending a text to Dillahunt that said "we are currently about to board a plane to Hawaii. We will bring your pineapple."
•Arriving in Seattle and finding Mr and Mrs Skeen, and Pederman waiting for us with the school van, because the busses didn't want to wait. :P
•Everyone falling asleep during the van ride, except for Pederman, Mr Skeen and myself.....a bit awkward I admit.
•Arriving at school at the same time as the busses, @ about 2:45am.
•getting picked up by my dad, going home, and falling asleep.

A beautiful, once in a lifetime, experience. Something I'll never forget. <3



"Miracles come in moments.
Be ready and willing."

The end is near.

Tonight was my third and last National Honor Society Induction Ceremony. I got my gold cord for graduation...something I told myself I would do long ago. I admit, it was a proud moment.
It went as every other ceremony before this: the intro about what and why we are there, the lighting of the candles at the front table, a guest speaker (which I am delighted to say was Mr. Dillahunt this year! I feel honored that he was the speaker for my third year ceremony!), then the handing of cords to third year, pins to seconds, and member card to firsts, special awards, and finally the lighting of individual candles by all of us as we recite the NHS oath. Then we all gather for cake and punch! :)
However this time, it was different. For one, Dillahunt is the only person I can think of that is able to bring tears to my eyes by the shear inspiration of his words! I managed to hold back the tears, but it wasn't easy. He spoke of moving forward, and seeing the world, and how each and every one of us this have the capability to do something amazing. It only brought to realization even more how little time I have left Only about 5 more weeks and then it's graduation.... And then only God know what. I'd be lying if I said I'm dying to get to graduation. If anything, I fear it. I fear losing friends, leaving behind memories, forgetting or being forgotten by the people I leave here in Prosser. What scares me most is leaving behind the teachers I've had. I fear that years from now, if I am to come across them, I will not remember them...or even more frightening, that I will remember them as if it were yesterday, and they not remember me at all. This is what I am scared of most. The teachers I have gone through have been the role models and inspiration of my life. Some look up to siblings, parents, aunts uncles, etc.... But it was teachers who inspired, who motivated me. The idea of leaving them behind in Prosser breaks my hearts.
But in the end, my dreams are to big not to follow, and I must try to reach them. I will live in the memory of the life I created here, as I try to reach the life I've dreamt, hoping that some day God will set me on a path back here.



“A place in thy memory, dearest, Is all that I claim; To pause and look back when thou hearest The sound of my name” ❤

...

And so I've come to realize that dark times come with ghosts, and no matter what you do or where you go, they will haunt. Along with this, I've come realize that with desperation comes hope.
I've been overpowered by the shadows of despair. I have felt loss and sorrow down to my core. But now I've reached a point where I'm starting to see the light, waiting for me to leaving the dark. I am not healed, and may never will be. The scars will fade, but the memory won't. I know the ghosts will haunt me for a long time, maybe forever. But I am hopeful and stronger than I was before. Driven by the dream of better times, I go forward under God's grace.
Yes, I am still shattered, but I'm alive. I've hit the bottom, and from here there's no other way but up.


"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me.
Your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
-Psalms 23:4

I walked in the rain today

I walked in the rain today...and it's almost as if I was cleansed. I walked down the sidewalk, no jacket, under the heavy cover clouds, feeling the cool drops pour on me. The kind of day that would bring me gloominess, with it's gray shades and sunless sky, made me feel so free! The cold rain gave my goosebumps, but in a good way. I smiled the whole time, just feeling a sense of happiness and refreshness I felt in a while. I felt something healing in me.
It had actually been a pretty decent day, to start with. School was fine, with our "presidential campaigns"(which are actually fun) in Dillahunts and a pretty good P.E. day, that involved a "relaxation moment" in the end that may have been brought on because of me. :) then I stayed after school and talked with my friend Mayo, and helped her get some interviews for the Cinco de Mayo assembly video. It was during those who hours that the fun really happened.
Mayo and I stood in outside the school library for a good while just discussing prom and whatnot. Then we to go see some other M.E.Ch.A members working on the assembly display case. While we watched them, we decided to get some work done on the interviews, and went around asking teachers who were still around what cinco de mayo meant to them. This was rather amusing as some of them had some really funny responses, especially since just about all of them are Caucasian. :P Mr. Sonnichsen learned today that Cinco De Mayo is not Mexico's independence. Lol. We decided to ask Dillahunt(of course), since he was hanging out in the library...the encounter, however, went a little something like this:
(we walk into library. Dillahunt is @ counter right next to entrance)
Dillahunt: "Hi Carminator!"
Me: "Hey Dilla....wait what did you just call me!?"
(and then a whole bunch of laughing from Dillahunt, mayo, and our friend Maria)
Dillahunt: " Carminator."
Maria: "that's her new nickname!!"
Dillahunt: "yeah, you're Carminator Acosta. Carminator Acosta Brava!"
Me: "what!? I don't even know where your getting all this from!!"
Dillahunt: "I'm not getting from anywhere! We just do it because we like ya!"
Then we went on laughing some more, and eventually managed to get his interview.
I found this entertaining, as well as significant, because here I am, about 5 weeks from graduation, and never have I been given a nickname by a teacher! I thought I had actually gotten through my entire school career and never gotten nicknamed. But of course, what else can you expect when you've had Dillahunt. I'm not complaining! I just thought that it was funny.
Mayo and I then went back with the other MEChA members, who had just finished with the display case. They had a baby blue balloon which they had intended to use for the display and didn't, so I took it. Ms. Rivera then came by to check on the display, which was followed by her pulling mayo and I aside to have a unhappy discussion with us. Or at least unhappy for us. She walked smiling, and we ended just mad at her. -_- but it didn't last long.
We(mayo, her sister, her sisters friend and I) ended up in the middle of the hallway outside of the library, talking and watching Lulu try to teach a tango dance to mayo for the assembly. And eventually we made our way back into the library. We talked with Maria and luz, who had been studying in the library. I still had my balloon with me, and some comment to luz about it being a "mad balloon" and she looked at it and said "I dont see a mad face on it!" So naturally, I pulled out my sharpie and drew an angry face on it. Maria looked at it and immediately was like "it looks like Dillahunt!" of course it didn't, it was just funny. Dillahunt was still in the library, but he was in the computer lab, which is just separated from the library by a wall of windows. So i took my sharpie and wrote "Mr. Dillahunt" on the balloon. Maria ran to get tape and we stuck the balloon on the window, facing him. We all started laughing, just then Dillahunt got up to get a paper from the printer, which was right next to the window, and saw the balloon. Instantly he started laughing. "I look nothing like that!" he said. We all just laughed some more.
Then Dillahunt stepped out of the library, and I took the balloon down saying I didn't know what to do with it, but that I felt I should leave it somewhere for Dillahunt. And of course the first thing that popped into my mind was his car! So mayo and I grabbed a few more pieces of tape and ran out to his car. It was raining, so the tape didn't stick well. So we just tucked it under his windshield wiper. :) when we went back to the library, we realized it was almost 6pm already. So decided it was time to go and said bye to everyone. On our way out, we saw Dillahunt in the hall. "Bye Mr. Dillahunt, have a good day!" we said, laughing at what we had just done, and what he would discover in a while.
Once outside, I said by to mayo, and started my short walk home in the rain.

Then there's those moment that keep you going

So I've experienced quite a number of things since I've last posted. I'll probably come back and write about it later, but for now a quick run through. For starters, the very same day I posted that last post, talking about how I wanted junior back in my life, I had a talk with my friend Anthony(who happens to be juniors best friend). To make it short, junior was brought up, there was an argument, and then I realized that I really needed to let junior go. It was a painful night, the things Anthony told me broke me, but my eyes were opened. But this wasn't my only eye opening moment. About 5-4 weeks ago I went to Boise, ID with the teenagers from church and spent time with the Church in Boise. And for the first time in two years I got that feeling, that feeling I used to get when i went to church retreats, that feeling of being refreshed....peace and calm. My dream has always been California, to get there and do music. And for the first time in my life, I considered a different option. I've chosen to apply to Boise State U. California is still my first choice, but I've also seen that maybe being around the Church in Boise isn't a terrible idea. Apart from this, I think I'm finally kicking the habit. Self injury was starting to become a habit. I currently have marks that won't be going away for a while. And suddenly I had this moment, the weekend right after Boise, when I realized I needed to move forward. I am a child of God and He has given me a gift. He had given me life, hope, and love, and who am I to disgrace that? Also, for the first time I confessed it to someone. My friend Francisco and I had a personal moment, in which he told me one of his deepest secret.... And so I showed him my wrist. The look on his face was shock and sadness. I told him I didn't do it anymore, which wasn't exactly true. Just the week before had been my last cut. But as soon as I said it, I knew I wanted it to be true. I want to honestly say I don't do it anymore. And so I haven't in about a month now. So I've been through quite a bit in the last weeks, BUT that is not what I am here for. I am here to write about the last few days, which have been....insane, I guess you could say!
So my history teacher is Mr. Dillahunt. And he is the BEST teacher I've ever had. Mad respect for that guy!!!! I probably wouldn't have made it through AP US History last year if he hadn't been my teacher.lol but anyways, I ended up having him as teacher this year again, and have gotten along with him more. So on Tuesday when he asked me if I was available spring break to do a house sitting job for friends of his, I was a little weirded out, but I figured he liked me enough to trust me for something like that. I said I'd have to see if I would be in town for break. Later that day, one of the Spanish speaking teachers from school called my house asking for Carlos and Belen, which are my parents. We gave the call to my dad. Strangely, though, they started talking about a Brenda. My dad quickly corrected them, saying he didn't have a Brenda. He then called me over and asked if I knew a Brenda Sandoval, and I told him she was my friend and I could give them her number. He gave me the phone, and when I was talking to the teacher, she mentioned that Dillahunt had asked her to speak to Brenda's parents, but must have gotten the number wrong. I accepted that and gave her the number. Later, I realized that just didn't make sense. How could he have gotten MY number and MY parents name....but wanted brenda!? So the next day I asked Brenda at school. She said that the teacher had talked to her mom, and her mom simply said that they had called to say that Brenda was doing very well at school. "I don't believe her though! They talked for like 15 minutes. I'm sure they said more!" Brenda said. We were both confused by the whole situation, so when we got to history we told Dillahunt about it. He had a completely confused look. "I have a student, in a completely other class, who's parents I asked Mrs. Lobos to call. But not either of you guys! That's strange," he said. We thought it was just a strange situation, but left it at that.
Brenda and I have leadership class together. Yesterday, while we were in there, Dillahunt walked in the last few minutes of class, and started talking to the class. He talked to us about the DC trips. (He is In charge of DC Mustangs, which is a group of students that sign up to go to Washington DC for spring break. The trip happens every two years and this spring break would be the tenth trip. I had wanted to sign up for it last year, but it was $2000 and I knew my senior year would be expensive. I didn't want to make my parents spend more. So I didn't sign up.) He just talked about how cool it was and started giving us numbers. "We do this trip every two years, and this year will be the tenth trip. Mrs. Skeen(our leadership teacher) will be going with us. And with this trip, we'll have taken 497 students to DC. However, i just don't really like that number, 497. It just an odd number, just kinda in the middle there. So I figured we should just make it a flat 500. With some special arrangements and some very generous donations from businesses in town, we can take 3 more students." I figured at this point he was going to say that there was now 3 open spots if any one was interested. But this is not what he said. "So can I get Brenda, Carmi, and Juan over here, because you guys are going to DC."
I...........words couldn't describe what I was at that moment. The three of us walked over to him, and he handed us a paper that we'd have to get signed. "This trip is all payed for you guys, it will cost you nothing other than than the money you'll spend if you want to buy things over there. We've already spoken to your parents and gotten the ok, so its all set. Your tickets will be bought today." None could say anything but Thank You and smile. I couldn't believe I was getting this. For the first time in a looooong time, I was getting teary eyed out of happiness.
As we went back to our desks, brenda turned to look at me and I'm sure the look on her face was the same the one on mine; pure shock. Just then the bell rang, we grabbed our stuff, and started walking to our next class....which actually happened to be history.
When we walked into class, Dillahunt was just walking around the room, and when he walked by us, he very casually said "Well hi guys! How are you today?" then have us a huge smile. We sat at our desks and he sat on his, which is right next to ours. "Sorry about all the confusion! But you guys started getting all private eye on me and asking about the calls, and I felt bad about having to lie straight to your face!" we just laughed, but now everything was making sense. The weird calls, the confusion, the house sitting!
The rest of the period, and passing in the halls, Brenda and I just looked at each, both knowing what the other was feeling. This morning , while I was working in the office, Mrs. Skeen walked in and gave me a huge smile. "has the shocked worn out yet?" she asked. "uh.... No. Not completely yet." I responded. And even now, about 36 hours later, the shock hasn't worn off yet. I can't believe I was given this opportunity. I mean, I get along with Mr. Dillahunt quite well, at least I believe I do. So does Brenda. And I guess it would make sense that we would be chosen....but still, just knowing that out of the hundreds of students in our school, I was good enough to given an opportunity like this!....it makes me feel like I am actually worth something....like I stand out from others. I don't know, it just....getting this means more than just getting lucky and getting to see a different place...it shows me that there are still people out there that see me as more than just another person walking this world. It's moments like these, this big or smaller, that just help me see greener grass. ❤



"But you know happiness can be found
even in the darkest of times,
when one only remembers
to turn on the light."

Its simple really.

I gave in today. and i say "gave in" for lack of a better word. I sent Junior a friend request today. I know, "friend request" sounds so immature teenage drama. however, its not like that. For a lot of our friendship, we have been separated, literally. He was gone for about a year of our 2 year friendship in middle school, and more than a year of our year and a half current friendship. [if you are confused by this talk of split friendship, you may need to refer to a previous post about him!] So its been through Facebook and Myspace[yea, remember Myspace!?] that we prevented our strings from breaking...so to break that tie does actually mean something. and i know i said a month ago that i had deleted him and that i was done with it all, that by doing so and not talking to him, i'd be able to get over him...but today i realized i dont want to. I came to this realization as i stood in a hospital room listening to my family praying, as my uncle lay in a hospital bed crying...just a few hours before we found out he has to get open heart surgery. My uncle Neftaly is probly one of my favorite uncles. He is a serious person when he's at church or when it comes to serious matter, like his daughters' grades and choices...but for the most part he is a happy and really quite goofy person. I've seen him mad...not never furious or sad or anything like that. Last night, he woke up with chest pain, saying he couldnt feel his arm. My cousin Rut took him to the hospital here in town. After doctors checked him, they had that it appeared he'd had a minor heart attack within the last week. Immediately they rushed him to one of the bigger hospitals nearby. This morning my sisters and i went to go see him. For once in my whole life, i think, i didnt see that joy that usually sparkles in his eyes...there was a somberness in his face. My uncle Andres was also along with some other aunts and cousins, he suggested we say some prayers. So as my family said their prayers, I looked up and saw tears running from my uncle's eyes as he lay in the hospital bed. The moment i saw that, it was like instant freaking out in my mind! i heard bells and alarms going off in my mind! i dont know why my mind went into a frenzy like that, but it did...and suddenly everything thats been going on with me in the last year flashed through my mind...and suddenly i just felt that i couldnt give up junior. It's a simple realization, really. I realized that with or without junior, whether i talk to him or not, im going to be sad. The sadness is inevitable. and since thats the case, then i would rather go through it with him in my life. I love him, but if all he can ever be to me is a friend, then i'll take it. He means too much to me to just give him up like that. I cant live a life that he's not a part of, love or no love. So once we stopped praying, i stepped outside, took out my ipad, went on facebook, and sent a friend request. It hasnt been approved yet, which worries me a little because i know he's been on...but today i've also come to the conclusion that this world, and this life, is all God's creation, and it all works to His will. So all i really can do is wait, and see what God will give me. So i guess you can say its not exactly "giving in"...not sure what you can call it...but i dont think its that. "I can do all things through Christ, which strengthens me." -Philippians 4:13