Dismantle.Repair: My Anberlin Story

I remember the first time music made me feel something. It was almost the end of 8th grade, and I was on a bus heading back to school from a field trip. I had been chit chatting the ride away with my friends while my iPod provided quiet background music into my ears. As I listened to my friends talking, The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars started playing, and suddenly everything disappeared. The voices around me became the background noise, and I knew only the music playing in my ears. The feeling is hard to describe.  I felt almost numb, physically and mentally. My mind was drowning by the sound of the music, and I didn't want it to be saved. It was the truest form of peace I'd felt.

I remember the first time I heard an Anberlin song, and not realizing at that moment what that song would one day do to me. It was the summer of 2008, and I was looking at Junior's Myspace profile. He had been one of my best friends up until a few month before, when we'd gotten into an arguement and fell apart. On occasion I would go to his Myspace and browse. Not in a creepy, stalker-ish way! But for the simple fact that after months of not talking to him, I still couldn't get a handle on a life without his friendship, and I wanted to know how life was going for him. On this day, he had just added a new song to his profile. Curiously, I hit play. I was intrigued. The music player didn't have a name or artist, so I went to google and typed in "this is the correlation of salvation and love." I clicked on the first lyrics link and found it was by a band named Anberlin. I browsed through the words a bit, before closing out and exiting his profile.

After the event on the bus, I spent much of my free time listening to music in search of that feeling. I came to find I could at times find it when I heard songs of my past, songs I hadn't heard in years. So I went back to old CDs my sister had burned when I was in elementary. Being a kid, I had never really heard the music, but now 15, I found so much more in each song. The words had meaning and feeling, and the music! Oh the music! The guitar, the drums, the beat and the rhythm, it all felt so good.

 I spent weeks listening to songs of the early 2000s, but after a few listens, I would lose the feeling. So I went in search of new music. 

It was late Fall of 2008, and I remembered the song I had heard on Junior's MySpace. I looked it up, and every time it ended, I found myself hitting replay. With every play, I felt that euphoric peace spread throughout me. After about the fifth play, I stopped, scared that if I listened to it too much the feeling would fade. I browsed the suggested videos on the side, eager to listen to more of what this band had to offer. I spent over an hour, clicking on video after video, indulging in the sounds of Anberlin. On this night began my Anberlin addiction. 

The following weeks I would spend hours listening to Anberlin, watching their YouTube videos, looking through their social websites, looking up their biography, and making up the six years of their history that I had missed. I created YouTube, Twitter, Blogger and who knows how many other accounts to keep up to date with everything Anberlin, all under the (what I thought was) clever name "Anberchik." 

By the time Christmas came around, I had every Anberlin song downloaded in my iPod, and was slowly creating a new obsession with Anchor and Braille as well. The daydreams had also began by now. Every night I would lay in bed, mentally writing a story in which I would attend an Anberlin concert and by a stroke of luck be called on stage when the band asked for a fan to come on up and sing along with them. They would then be so impressed by my singing ability that they would ask me to do back up vocals for them, and I would become a part of the band and get to spend the rest of my life touring the world with Anberlin. Yea, I was slightly insane and irrational. Ha!

But little did I know that Anberlin would provide me with much more than a playful, mental escape at night. Thanks to them I discovered Warped Tour, and in the summer of 2009, I attended for the first time. The girl that walked into the Gorge that morning never came back out. What I found in there that day was the dream that would carry me through some of the hardest struggles on my life so far. Walking out of the Gorge that night, I knew that every career path I had considered was no longer good enough. My heart belonged on a stage, beating to the rhythm of music I had created. 

I found myself in the Gorge that day, and I wanted nothing more than to build and develop the new, pure me. 

Walking into my sophomore year of high school a month later, I was not afraid to show the new me. I showed up to school almost every day clad in tanks, band tees, and plaid shirts with skinny jeans and vans. I listened to music any chance I got, and drew music notes and Anberlin keys all over my papers and binders. There was even a week in which I spent my geometry period writing Anberlin lyrics on every inch of my math binder. I was eager to express what I now was. However, expression almost always comes with oppression, and unfortunately for me, I found it at home.
My parents failed to understand who I was. They couldn't understand why I listened to rock music, dressed the way I did, and liked things they thought were weird. At one point they protested to buying me any clothing that had black on it because they did not want to "encourage my emo lifestylfe." My sisters were more accepting, but still not very understanding. They didn't try to stop me from liking what I did, but they questioned it.
It was in school that I found complete acceptance. I made friends with people in band and those who had similar interests. My teachers didn't judge me, and at times even appreciated my uniqueness. In some ways, Anberlin and music helped me with my academics. Spending so much time listening to music, my writing had become something else; my mind now thought in poetics, and my English teacher praised my writing, saying I a had a real talent. In school, I found comfort, and in school I grew.
By junior year of high school, I had joined choir, was taking a creative writing class, and even joined the Leadership class, who were in charge of school assemblies and events, with hope that I could become the go to person for music during school activities. Classes went as great as I thought they would. I was set to make this the best year yet...unfortunately, it would only be the beginning of my downfall into what may have been depression.
That year, I regained contact and fell in love with Junior  while I was in a relationship with someone else. But by the third week of September, Junior moved to California. He visited Washington three weeks later for his birthday weekend. I saw him that Friday, walking around the school grounds saying hi to people. I couldn't bring myself to go to him, so I walked away. By that night, I was two hours away in Spokane, attending my first Anberlin concert. I considered that my last good night, because the following Monday I saw my boyfriend for the first time in two months, and I no longer felt anything for him. I broke up with him in December.
The winter was a dark time for me. I was struggling more than I think I should have with Junior's absence. It seemed unfair that he should be taken from me just when everything was coming together again.
To be honest, I don't think I had ever been truly happy in my life. I spent most of my childhood thinking my sisters hated me. As I started growing, I gained low self esteem due to my mother never thinking I was skinny enough, and the fact that my sisters were insanely beautiful and I looked nothing like them. And it seemed like every time something good happened to me, it was snatched from my hands.
So here I was, dealing with the disapproval of my parents, a low self esteem that to this day has not gone, and the departure of what I truly believe to be my first love. I spent a lot of time alone in my room, and often I had sudden breakdowns in which I would curl up on the ground and cry. I found comfort in music, often spending hours singing along to my Anberlin favorites and pretending I was actually on a stage with them. I fell asleep each night to an Anberlin playlist, and daydreamed of the day I'd be in LA at the Musician's Institute working on my music career.
The summer before my senior year, I took the first step to doing something simply for myself. I was daring enough shave the side of my head, a style I had liked since I'd seen it on Sierra from VersaEmerge. My mother had never been so mean to me. She screamed for about an hour, insulting my style, personality, and taste in music. It broke my heart. It hurt that she simply could not understand that this was who I was. After she finished screaming, I went to my room and sat in a chair for the rest of the day, crying. That was the first time I tried to cut myself.
I didn't fully recover from that day, and when winter came around I fell again. I still ached for Junior, but I had cut contact with him in hope that I would forget him. It didn't help. I was alone, in a house that was no longer a home. On top of that, I could sense my high school career coming to an end, and that meant leaving the only place I could be me. Cutting became a habit that winter. Fortunately, that Spring I started reading the TWLOHA blog, an organization I had come to know thanks to Anberlin, and it helped pull me through. However, nothing helped more than knowing that soon I'd be out of this town and living the life I wanted.
I never made it to California. Due to some events that occurred during the last months of my senior year, I ended up in Boise State University in Idaho, pursuing a degree in English Education. I knew this choice would be more financially capable for my parents, and I reasoned that it would be a good choice for me since it would give me the opportunity to give other teenagers the comfort I found in school.
My first semester in college, I met a guy. I really thought we would go somewhere. Unfortunately, I simply could not give him what he wanted, he threw me aside like yesterday's garbage. I also made the mistake of making friends with the wrong people, and a few months in, I found myself surrounded by lies and betrayal. That winter was my darkest moment. I started cutting again, and deeper than ever; these scars did not fade. Some nights I would walk by the river, and at the bridge I would look down at the water, and wonder if I would survive a jump into the water. A few times, when I had a headache, I would take a painkiller...then I would look at the bottle and wonder if it contained to overdose. Never had I felt so alone and at the bottom.
When I returned for my second semester, I tried to pull through. I abandoned all contact with the people I had been associating with, and let myself have some time to myself. During this time, I finally got around to listening to the new Anberlin CD. It may seem strange, but the songs lifted me. I still found in them the strength and comfort they had given me in high school. Slowly, I started to get back up. I not only managed to make friends I loved, but they were able to pull me out of my depression. Along with that, I found Hussain. He, above everyone else, gave me full support and friendship. I went home for the summer, and when I came back for my second year, I couldn't deny that I was madly in love with this boy.
I didn't dare tell him; as an international student, we both knew one day he would return to his home country, and we both feared getting too close. But I couldn't help what I felt, and every second spent by his side was like a dream. During these months, I was able to attend my second Anberlin concert in Boise. At the end of it, I waited out back of the Knitting Factory in hopes of catching them for pictures and autographs. On his way out, Deon passed me, at which point I think he saw my Anberlin sweater because he smiled and said hi. I took the moment to ask for a picture, and ask if the rest of the band was coming out. "Uh, not sure. I'll ask," he replied. He went into the bus, and about a minute later Nate and Joey came out. They said hi to a few people next to me. Then they turned to look at me, looked at my sweater, and asked if I was the one that had talked to Deon. I had a minor heart attack, but replied with a simple "yes, I just wanted a picture." "cool!' they said and then stood on each side of me as a person nearby took our picture. They then turned and got back on the bus. I don't want to say they came out just to take a picture with me....but I like to think that. Stephen was the only one I didn't get a picture of that night. But it was a wonderful night, and I had Hussain waiting for me to get home, so he could hold me as I fell into a blissful sleep.
But as luck should have it, it was dream taken too soon. Due to family issues, Hussain was forced to return home that October. From the moment he told me he was leaving, I did not leave his side, until the moment he walked away at the airport two days later. From the airport, I went straight to class, then home, where I lied out on my balcony, listening nonstop to Anberlin's You Belong Here and Retrace. At around 5 pm,  went to bed. I woke up at 10 pm, and cried for about an hour. Then I put my head phones on and listened to Anberlin until about 4 am.
About a month and a half later, I woke up to the news of Anberlin's break up. I couldn't believe it. I wanted comfort, and for the first time, listening to their music made me sadder.
Two weeks ago, I went to Los Angeles for the first time. It was supposed to be a family reunion, but the more of the city I saw, the more it stung. It was exactly what I thought it would be like, exactly how I dreamed of it. Sure, it was crowded, and hot, and dirty in comparison to Prosser and Boise...but it was perfect. It was city where my music dreams where supposed to come true. I realized I gave up so much more than a city when I chose to move to Boise. As I sat on the plane that would bring me back to Washington, my headphones played Anberlin into my ears, and I felt like I wanted to cry. I looked out to the city I never got, and I couldn't stop thinking of the dream I lost and how at the end of 2014, I would also lose the very thing that gave me strength and created that dream.
Anberlin came into my life just when I needed it. In the beginning, I fell in love with them because no matter how much I listened to them, I got an unwavering feeling of peace and euphoria from their music. As the years passed, they became the string that held me up and together through my struggles. And I cry now as I write this, because I know I will most likely never get to see them again. I would have wanted nothing more than to get to see them at Warped Tour because this was my dream performance. After the way Warped impacted my life, I always thought that the most perfect thing would be to see my favorite band in my favorite music setting. But now, due to lack of transportation and financial issues, I will be unable to make it. My initial plan was to handwrite my Anberlin story, and give it to them at Warped. I wanted this to be a very personal and special experience. It seems I'll never get my chance.
But to the band, if I should be lucky enough that you read this, I can only thank you. Thank for the words, the beats, the videos...your music. Thank you that you gave the world your talent. Directly or indirectly, you guys have guided my life and where I am today, and I'm proud to say that today I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. It will be strange to no longer sit around waiting for a new album after July, or rush to your website to look for tour dates. But I know that I will still turn to the music you leave behind for comfort, because I know no other way. You were the friend that stood my side and gave me words of comfort for so long; I only wish there was a way I could repay all that you have done for me.  The words "dismantle.repair" are more than just a song title; they are the title to my Anberlin story, because every time I fell apart, Anberlin was there to get me through, to repair me, and I will be forever grateful. I love you all so much. Thank you for everything.
 

"Don't need no drug, you're my chemical...
Only you entwined can make this orphan feel at home."

Alessandro

It was Saturday night, August 22. We(Sami, Mariah, and I) were all dressed up and standing outside of Sami's building, waiting for Sultan. It was our friend Memo's birthday party, and we had invited Sultan along because he had a car. I had been in Boise just under a month. We met Memo downtown our first Friday here; Sultan we had just met the weekend before, this was the first time the three of us really hung out with him.
We'd only been standing outside a few minutes when Sultan pulled up. We slid into the back seat and greeted him and his friend in the passenger seat. We then went through several attempts of trying to get the GPS to give us the proper directions; It was a ten minute drive that took about half an hour.
We finally got to Memo's party. The only people we knew were Memo and Mooh, then there was about ten other people there. They were sitting around, hanging out, drinking, playing ping pong, playing music. I just sat there, talking to Memo and Mooh, trying to get Karrar's drunk ass to stop trying to get me upstair, and watching as Sami had drink after drink and slowly lost herself. Then suddenly, everything went bad fast. Sami was on the ground, drunk and crying because she wanted Sean. Sultan was angry, and Keisha and Sultan were screaming at each other. We decided it was time to go.
We managed to drag Sami to Sultan's car, then Sultan's friend and I eventually managed to get Sultan to stop fighting to Keisha and got him in the car too. As he drove, Sami kept crying, but she didn't want to go home, so he decided to head to his apartment. Just as we were going through downtown, Sami said she felt sick.
He stopped, Mariah, Sultan's friend, and I got Sami out of the car and sat her on the sidewalk as sultan went to park the car. Sami sat there, drunk, crying, and on the verge of puke. As Mariah went to look for water, I stood over Sami, making sure no one got in her way. Sultan's friend sat next to her, brushing her hair back and rubbing her back, trying to comfort her.
Sultan finally showed up, and sat with Sami for a while. Eventually she announced she was well enough to get in the car and make it to Sultan's. So his friend went to get the car and sultan and Mariah slid into the backseat as I took the passenger seat. We'd only gotten down the street, when Sami stuck her head out the window and started throwing up.
We got to sultan's, where Sami proceeded to spew her contents out in Sultan's toilet. Mariah went to lay in Sultan's room, while I sat in his living room, annoyed by the night's events. I did get up to help sultan, as he was in the bathroom, tending to Sami. I held her hair back, and poured water in his hands as he wiped her face. Then I headed back to couch, and sat with sultan's friend, conversed with him a little. I realized it was getting late, said I to go to church in the morning. He was surprised by my words.
"You are a good girl," he commented.
He refused to let me walk back, so he gave me a ride. He got a little lost on the way back to campus, but it was alright, we were actually having a decent conversation. When he finally dropped me off, I realized I never got his name. And I ended up missing church that morning.
The next day was the usual, met up with Mariah and Sami, went to go eat and then hung out at our (Mariah and I) place. Eventually we got bored, i was restless, so we headed downtown.
It was lonely, Sunday night. So we texted sultan and headed to his place. That night was the first time I went to Table Rock, and the first of many nights we spent at Sultan's.
The following day, after we'd all gone to class, Sami, Mariah, and I sat in the dorm, just hanging out on our laptops/iPad, talking about the weekend's events, and the new people we'd met. And then Sami came across Sultan's friend on Facebook.
"He was cool," they commented.
"Yea he was, I got to talk with him when he drove me back," I said, "he is nice. What really got me though, was when he was sitting on the sidewalk with Sami trying make her feel better. That was really nice!" They agreed.
"What was his name?" I asked.
Sami looked down on at her laptop, to his Facebook profile. "Alessandro." We then all sent him a friend request, which he accepted soon after.
Later that evening, Mariah posted a status and tagged Sami, sultan, Alessandro, and I in it. Somehow, we all ended up conversing and joking on the status, eventually reaching past 100 comments. Then we decided to head to sultan's. We texted him to warn him we were coming. My phone automatically picked up any phone numbers from my FB friend list, so I checked for Alessandro's number.
I texted him. "Alessandro! It's carmi. We are going to sultan's right now. You should go!"
He agreed to go after he got back from the gym. We grabbed our things and headed to sultans.
Abdul was already there when we arrived. We sat around, talking, listening to music, messing around, and somewhat trying to do homework. Eventually, Alessandro showed up. As we all hung out, we somehow came upon the arrangement that Abdul would be Mariah's best friend, Sultan would be Sami's, and I got Alessandro.
Abdul left pretty soon into the night, and eventually Sami did too, to meet up with Sean. The rest of us ended up on Sultan's couch watching YouTube videos. Mariah and I sat on each end. At that time, Mariah had a crush on Sultan, so she sat leaning on him. Sultan was leaning a bit into Alessandro because he held the laptop. And I sat on Alessandro's other side.
Alessandro tried to put his arm around sultan, jokingly, knowing sultan was ticklish. Sultan immediately pushed him off.
"Well fine, come here best friend," Alessandro said as he put his arm around me. I laughed, thinking nothing of it. But his arm stayed where it was.
I was never an affectionate person, never one for hand holding and cuddling and all that. I actually found it rather uncomfortable. So as he sat here with his arm on me, I was a bit awkward. I made an excuse to get up and get my phone to get out of the position. But when I sat back down, he resumed. I was a bit thrown off that he should be so comfortable as to hold me so close, even though I'd just met him a couple days ago. This continued throughout the evening.
Eventually Mariah went to lay on sultans bed, tired, and sultan followed soon after. Alessandro and I were left to sleep in Sultan's 'L' shaped couch, each one taking a leg of the L. Both us laying with our heads at the corner where the two legs of the L met. It was late and I soon started drifting into sleep. We laid in similar positions, both with an arm reaching above I've our heads. My hand rested next to his. Then I felt his touch. He took hold of my hand; laid there, softly stroking each finger and my palm. He thought I was asleep. Caught off guard, I didn't know what to do, and I didn't want to pull away and embarrass him, so I kept to the role of "sleeping." It was only a few minutes, and then he let go and fell asleep.
The rest of the week continued in this manner. We'd make our way to sultan's in the evening, mess around until the first hours of the day, any moment I sat next to Alessandro on the couch was a moment he had his arms around me, at some point Sami would leave to meet with Sean, Mariah and Sultan would end up in the bedroom, Alessandro and I on the couch. There was no more grabbing my hand while I "slept" though. In the morning, we would get up, go to class, spend the day napping and doing homework, and then make our way back to Sultan's in the evening.
Thursday night came around, and we followed the routine and headed to Sultans. It was the usual, except this time Nasser was there. We all hung out, and this timed stayed up past the usual time. It was about 5am when Alessandro started talking to one of his relatives back home. He went to Sultans room to talk, and eventually Sultan and Nasser made there way to the room. Sami was gone by then, so Mariah and I went to the room too. Alessandro and Nasser were sitting in the bed, sultan just standing.
"Come sit," Nasser said to me and Mariah, tapping the bed, "there's enough for all of us." I went ahead and sat on the bed. After a few minutes, sultan walked out and Nasser and mariah followed.
Alessandro sat, leaning against the headboard, deep in Arabic conversation; I laid next to him. As he talked, he reached out and grabbed my hand, playfully stroking and touching each finger. Eventually, he hung up.
"What time do you have class?" He asked
"At 10:30."
"What?! It's late, you need to sleep!" He said.
"I know! I have a math test," I said, chuckling.
"That's not good. Come here," he said as he reached out and pulled me into him. He put his arms around me, laying my head on his chest. I didn't resist. I laid in silence, eyes closed, listening to his breathing as he softly stroked my arm. Surprisingly, I drifted off. I awoke, not long after as he got up. He pulled the covers over me, and I heard him walk out to the living room, where I heard Nasser asking him if he would give him a ride home. At that point I remembered my phone(and alarm) in the couch. I got up and walked out to the living room.
"I thought you were sleeping!" Alessandro said.
"I need my phone."
"Oh ok," he said, "well I'm gonna take Nasser home. You go to sleep!" I nodded, and he walked out with Nasser. However, Mariah started conversing, and so when he walked back in 15 minutes later, I was still sitting on the couch.
"Why aren't you sleeping?!" He said
"Mariah was talking to me!" He gave me a stern look.
"I'm going, I'm going," I said, and started heading to the room.
Sultan had already been starting to doze on the couch, and Mariah slept wherever he did. So as I lay back In bed, I heard her telling Alessandro to come sleep in the room with me. He walked just as I was setting my alarm for 9:30 am. As he started to undress, I changed my mind and set the alarm for 9:15am.
"Hope you don't mind me sleeping in underwear," he said.
I laughed, "it's fine."
He laid down and said "come here" as he reached for me just like he had a bit ago. I came close, and laid my head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around me again. We laid there in the dark, and I slowly drifted back to sleep feeling his soft touch on my arm.
Throughout our sleep we moved to different positions. I eventually became hot, and took off my cardigan; I could see the sun seeping through the blinds already. I ignored it and laid with my back to him. He then turned around, and put his arm around me as he lay behind me. We were spooning. I was still tired and tried to fall to deep sleep again....but this moment, the position, I admit, was a bit arousing. I pressed slightly into him, he noticed. His arm tightened slightly around me. Both us wanted to be close, both of us resisted. Finally I just turned to lay on my back. I turned to look at him and he smiled. I smiled back and turned to lay facing him. He pulled me in, holding me close, rubbing my back. But the mood had been set, and I could feel his stroke stretching farther down my back.
And then we both turned to look at each other, and without hesitation our lips met. We started kissing, long and hard. It got heated. He grabbed me and pulled me on top of him. His hands running along my side and down my back. his hand grabbed a handful of hair and he pulled my head back as he kissed my neck. Then he flipped me over and he was on me, kissing, slowly starting to push my shirt up. His hands stroked my bare stomach and sides, not yet daring to touch further up. But just as my shirt was pushed up slightly more, my alarm went off. We both turned to look at it, then at each other, knowing that the moment was over. He moved aside and I reached over and turned the alarm off. We laid there for a few moments, letting ourselves cool down. He rubbed my back and gave me a few more kisses on the lips and forehead, sweet tender kisses. I then got up to wake up Mariah. We grabbed our things, and he got up and gave us a ride back to the dorm. We went about our day as usual.
The next two days were strange. Alessandro didn't seem quite so eager to sit next to me or converse with me. Immediately, I was drawn the usual conclusion, he regretted what had happened. Sunday night, we were doing our usual thing at sultans, this time Bader was there. As we all conversed, I saw Alessandro walk to the room with Mariah. Sami and I exchanged confused looks. A few minutes later, they came back out. Mariah came to sit next to me; she leaned over and said she needed to talk to me. So I headed for the bathroom, she followed. Alessandro had talked to her about me. He confessed that he liked me, but he was worried. His plan was to leave to florida next semester; didn't want to hurt me. She had told him that this was something he had to discuss with me, so she warned me that a serious talk with him was coming. I've always hated serious conversation and confrontation, this freaked me out slightly.
Soon after, Bader made his way home, and Sultan said he wanted to go to Table Rock. So we piled into sultans car and headed to Table rock. We sat around, talking and taking in the view. I pulled me phone to get a picture.
"Oh you two take a picture!" Mariah said to Alessandro and I. We agreed and a picture was snapped with my phone. Eventually, we started to make our way back down the hill to the car; I was walking ahead of the group.
"You walk too fast," Alessandro said.
I laughed, and walked backwards till I was right in front of him. "Or you just walk too slow."
He laughed and put his arm around me. "No, I'm just trying to get us away from them because I want to talk to you.
"Crap!" I thought, "I walked right in to it! Literally!"
He then proceeded to tell me just about everything Mariah had said. The exact words of the conversation are unclear. I do, however, remember the words he used to describe me. He said i was such a good person, he said "anyone would dream of you." He also told me of his florida plans; said he didn't wants me to get hurt when the time came for him to leave. The last thing he wanted was to hurt me or leave behind a bad reason for me to remember him by. I told him I understood, and that I would never have any bad reasons to remember him by. Words so easy to believe in that moment. Although unspoken, we had come to the agreement that nothing could ever be between us. We continued our walk back to the car with arms around each other.
The week that followed was no different. We were practically living at sultans, only leaving to go to class and change clothes. Alessandro didn't change either. If anything, we grew closer. He spent most of the time on the couch with me, arms around me, holding my hand, taking care of me, making sure I wasn't offered any alcohol or that hookah smoke wasn't blown in my direction because he knew I Didn't drink or smoke, making sure I ate and got some sleep, always backing me up when the guys tried to pick on me, we talked and texted every day when we weren't at sultans.
On the third week, there was a change of setting. One night Sami and Mariah left with sultan to drink and smoke, I didn't go along. Finding out I was alone, Alessandro requested his company. He picked me and we went to his apartment. He laid some blankets and pillows on the ground in front of the tv, and we laid there close together, watching a movie. Eventually Sami, Mariah, and sultan showed up and hung out for a bit. But soon they were gone, and we continued watching the movie. Not too long after, I started to doze off. He went to get another blanket to make sure we were warm and turned the tv off. He laid back down and pulled me in, laying my head on his chest and wrapping his arms around me. Breathing in the smell of his cologne and listening to the beat within his chest, I fell into a sweet sleep. That week I slept a few nights in my dorms, the rest were spent in his arms.
The fourth week, his uncle from Saudi Arabia came to visit. I didn't spend nights with him, but I got a number of his afternoons and evenings. It was during this week that he gave me troubling news. He said he was having a problem with his English class; he'd gotten the registration code for it late, so he wasn't actually an official student in it. If he didn't get in, he wouldn't be a full time student; if he wasn't an full time student he couldn't be in school...if he wasn't in school, he had to go home. Saudi Arabia home. He assured it wasn't that big of a problem though; it wasn't his fault he'd gotten the code late, so it would be fixed easily. That week he also informed me he was going to Vegas that coming weekend. He wasn't very excited, said drinking, gambling and partying weren't his thing. He was only going because his uncle wanted to go.
Thursday came around, and as we texted through the morning, he let me know he was leaving that evening. At around 6pm, Sami's parents, who were visiting, picked up Sami, Mariah, and I to go to dinner. As we drove to the restaurant, Alessandro and i started texting again. I admitted to being a bit bummed to having to spend the weekend without him. Being a good "best friend" he said he'd still have my back from Vegas; if any picked on me, he said to give him a call. Of course I wasn't going to do that, but his kind support made me smile. We arrived at the restaurant, to find sultan already waiting for us. We were seated and are chatted away as we waited for our food. With every text, the thought of a whole weekend without Alessandro was sounding more and more depressing. I took my phone and I changed my background to the picture of us. I got a real teasing from sultan when he saw it. After dinner, Sami, Mariah, and I left with sultan and headed to his place. As we drove there, I was still texting Alessandro. We texted up until his take off.
"I'll miss you" was the last text I got before he left. The words brought on an unexpected reaction. I started to cry...though Im not sure why. I'm sure part of it was because he'd be gone for a few days. But mainly, I think it is because it was that moment that I fully accepted my feelings. Throughout our weeks, I knew there was something between us, feelings. But I had kept an open mind, telling myself that I was still looking for someone else, for other guys, other options. But that night, those words, I finally realized I had been lying to myself. I didn't want other options.
The tragedy also began that night. When we got to sultans, I was no longer in the mood for our crazy horseplay; not after that moment in the car...not without Alessandro. It wasn't long after, as well, that I found out about Sami's betrayal; she'd done something that I wasn't sure I could forgive. I suddenly felt lost. I had been betrayed by someone I thought I could completely trust, I wasn't sure if I could count on Mariah, and Alessandro, the one who had provided me comfort and support, was not there. I don't remember much if that night. We went to table rock, then back to sultans. I recall Sami and Mariah laying on sultans bed with his laptop. All the lights in the apartment were off except the hallway. I laid on the couch, crying, overwhelmed by this unexplainable loneliness I felt. Sultan was sitting against the wall opposite me, he had a partial view of my face and saw my tears. He asked if I was ok, I simply nodded. He wasn't really one for offering comfort, so I found it kind that he at least asked.
I awoke to silence, sunlight streaming through the blinds of the balcony door. I heard movement from the bathroom. I got up, and headed to sultans room. There was no one. I went back to living to find my phone and keys. Sultan came out of the bathroom and told me that Mariah and Sami had left earlier that morning. I told him I was going head home, he offered to give me a ride.
The ride was silent. I was still severely upset about the night's events, and he could tell. As we were entering campus, he asked again if I was ok. I said yes, and he left it at that.
"Caramelo, smile!" He said to me as I was getting off the car, a reminder of the teasing he had been giving me last night, before it all went down. His silliness touched me. I made an attempt to give him a smile, but even I could feel that it looked like a lie. I closed the door, and headed to my dorm. I got in the shower, during which I cried some more. I got out and put on the first thing I found, and then I sat on my bed, silent and feeling lost. And it was then that the habit returned.
I opened the top drawer of my desk and pulled out the small orange scissors. I opened the blades apart and pressed one up against my upper wrist. I stared at it for a few seconds. Then I pressed the blade against my skin and pulled it across my skin. I repeated the movement right above the first location. I set the scissors down and looked at the swollen red lines on my skin, thick red blobs starting to form along them. I knew I couldn't stay here. I grabbed my bag, and headed out. I didn't bother wipe my wrist, so as I walked out of my dorm building the red blobs had begun run down toward my hand. I decided to stop by the Liberal Arts building and wash it off before it got on my clothes.
I ended up at the sub, Skyping Francisco and telling him what had happened, excluding the red lines on the wrist. Afterwards, I help calmer and more focused. I texted Sami and told her I was going to go eat with Mariah, asked her if she wanted to join. She wasn't able to, but she met up with us after and we started to get things ready to go downtown that night. The issue was thrown to the backseat and not discussed. We dolled up and made our way downtown. Mariah ended up meeting a guy, Nolan, and walked off with him. I played the role of Sami's "wing woman" and helped hook her up with a guy, Manny, we'd ran into while we hung out with Sean and Aaron. Mariah left with Nolan that night. Sami, manny, and I headed back to campus. We hung out at Sami's for a while, but they were getting all cozy and cuddly, and seeing them made me think of Alessandro. I left to my dorm not long after.
Sami and I met up the next day at lunch and we talked about manny as we ate. Mariah eventually came back later that day. We hung around all day, being lazy and relaxing like we usually did on Saturdays. Then evening came around and we started getting ready. Nolan picked Mariah up for date, and Sami and I headed downtown where would meet up with manny again. We hung out downtown, and offered manny Mariah's bed for the night since she would be spending it at Nolan's again. As we walked around, we ran into Hamza, the object of Sami's betrayal. My anger was instantly spurred and we decided to just head back to the dorm. Sami hung out for a bit, but eventually had to get back to her place. Manny and I talked for a while, but he dozed off soon enough. It was then that I opened Facebook to find a friend request from Junior. I was completely thrown by surprise; I had been thinking of him earlier, knowing that at the strike of midnight it would be October 14, his birthday. I texted Sami and told her...she didn't know what to say. What could she say?! After everything that had been going on, there was nothing to say. I deleted his friend request. But I grabbed my phone and texted "Happy Birthday." He replied immediately, saying he'd been trying to add me for a while to let me know he'd gotten my package. I sat there, overwhelmed once again. "Goodnight" I texted back and that was that.
"I want Alessandro!" was the last thing I texted Sami that night, yearning for his comfort.
Manny and I awoke at noon. It was Sunday, and Alessandro would be getting back sometime during the day; I was in high spirits as we headed to Sami's. Eventually manny left, and Sami and I met up with Mariah and headed to the brc to eat. As we walked, I got a text from Alessandro, the first one since his plane took off Thursday evening. My phone did not get service in the brc, so I was not able to reply. As we ate, Sami got a text from him. It was then, that tragedy finally struck in full swing.
"Are you with carmi? I texted her but she didn't reply," Sami read out loud, "tell her that I didn't get in my class so I got kicked out of school. I'm going back next weekend...." The loud ringing In my ears didn't allow me to hear anything after that. I looked up, Sami and Mariah just sat there staring at me, trying to figure out what to do. Suddenly, I felt sick.
"I don't feel good. I think I'm going to throw up," I said. I got up and I could feel my tear ducts getting to work as I walked out of the brc and practically ran to the bathroom. I locked myself in the first stall, and let the tears stream down my face as I felt the news tear at my insides. The only thing running through my mind were his words when he had first told me about his school problems, "if I get kicked out, I'm not coming back to Boise. I'm gonna go home for the rest of the semester, and then go straight to florida." I'm not sure how long I was in the bathroom, but I didn't throw up. I went back to the brc and sat back down. Sami and Mariah didn't say anything. They continued eating, while I sat there, no longer hungry. As they finished up, Sami asked if we still wanted to go to sultans. We said yes, I thought I would be better surrounded by people. I left while they were still eating dessert, with the excuse that I needed to shower before we went to sultans. I got to my empty dorm and headed straight for the top drawer of my desk. Without hesitation, I ran the scissors across my upper wrist. I stood there, watching at the swollen line turned red and started to stream red. This was deepest one to date. I grabbed my towel and jumped in the shower, which I spent most of bawling.
Sami and Mariah showed up just as I had finished getting dressed. We grabbed our things and headed to sultans. As we walked I tried to put on my best face. I laughed at their jokes and played around. We got to sultans to find Bader there as well. We all hung out, messed around and talked. Mariah invited Nolan to come. Eventually, Sultan and Sami left to take Bader home. Nolan and Mariah sat on the ground, youtubing different songs, as I laid on couch, silently letting tears fall. But I could only take so much, so I went to sultans room. I sat on the ground, leaning against his bed, and sobbed in a way I hadn't done in a long time...or maybe never had. I, eventually, ended up on the bed, head throbbing from all the crying, and I fell asleep. I awoke to an empty apartment. It was about 5am and no one was there. I didn't want to be there, alone in the place where his memory lingered. I grabbed my bag and left. As I got to the end of the bridge that led to campus, I found myself taking a right instead of left, down the road that led to his apartment. I wanted so badly for this to be a lie. I walked, hoping that all this was just a mean joke, and in fact he was in his apartment, sleeping off all the craziness from his Vegas weekend. But I got there, and the lights were off, silent...nothing. Crying, yet again, I made my way to my dorm.
I look back on that week and it all seems like a blur, but still I remember quite well. I texted him Monday, after English, asking him what was going on. I sat outside the brc, trying to build up an appetite as I waited for his reply. He finally replied, telling me what he'd said in Sami's text the day before. Seeing the words for myself, and directly from him brought tears to my eyes yet again. He said he'd be going to California the next day and staying for a weeks, then he'd come back to Boise for about another week...and then he'd go home.
"That...really sucks. I don't even know what to say." And it was true, I was at loss for words. I was devastated at the entire situation...but I I was also scared about letting him know that. I didn't want him to realize and worry about how attached I'd become to him. But his next words didnt help at all.
"I know. I am so mad I wasted my time at school.
The only thing I won in this time is known you."
At this point Mariah had joined me and we were sitting in the brc eating. But at the sight of his words, my appetite vanished once again, and tears were in full stream. I sat there, hand over my mouth, looking down at my lap as the tears flowed. Mariah sat silently, not sure how to handle this overflow of emotion. I managed to get ahold of myself after a few minutes. Mariah finished eating and we headed back to the dorm; I spent the rest of the day sleeping.
The next day, Mariah texted me just as I got to dorm after class. She was with memo and they were on their way to the dorm to get me and hang out. I grabbed my thing and left with them. Trying to be funny, memo took us to Karrar's store; memo liked to tease me about the way Karrar had behaved around me at his birthday party. But his teasing brought on the topic of Alessandro, and Mariah told him what had happened. He quickly dropped the subject, and we headed to mooh's. we arrived to find Sam, Zaekwo, sam's brother, and a cousin of theirs. We sat around talking and just hanging out, and I found it rather calming. It was so different than the environment I had gotten used to at sultans. There was no drinking or anyone getting high and people going crazy. Just friends sitting and talking. It was nice, actually. That evening I also had a deep talk with memo. He could tell how badly this all was affecting, and so he sat with me and told me about his own personal tragedy, the death of his girlfriend back home. Memo had always been the cheerful, childish one, always laughing and smiling, but as he sat here telling me his story, his voice low and shaky, eyes tearing up, my heart ached. In that moment, he and I grew closer by the common experience of personal struggle.
Eventually Sami texted us saying she was at sultans and she wanted us to go too. Saad picked us up a few minutes later. As we put our shoes on and said goodbye, memo hugged me and whispered "don't be sad anymore. Be happy" in my ear. I gave him a kind smile and walked out with Mariah. We got to sultans, to find Nasser, sultan, and Sami slouching around the living room. Saad stayed only for a while. I was brought to sadness yet again by my sheer presence in this place, spending a great deal of time and energy trying to fight the tears. "I miss you" i texted Alessandro. I awoke wednesday to a text from him, "i miss you too linda." His use of the Spanish endearment brought a smile. That is all I remember of Wednesday. Thursday was better, though. Mariah and I had lunch with Sam, and then she and I spent the afternoon at the mall. It was a good way to keep preoccupied and distracted. I was feeling calm and in higher spirit when we joined Sami at the brc that evening. While we ate, sultan texted Sami saying that we should go over. We stopped by the dorm and showed Sami our recent purchases and then headed to sultans, Bader and Hussain showed up soon after. He all hung out, laughing, and messing around, the usual. Eventually Sami and sultan went into the bathroom to smoke. I was sitting talking and laughing with Bader. It was then he questioned my behavior.
"Carmi, you seem nervous," he said.
"I seem nervous? Why?!" I was confused.
"Well you keep moving around, and you're laughing a lot."
I laughed, "this is how I always am. If you ever catch me quiet or keeping to myself then that means theres something wrong." This sparked his interest.
"So then there was something wrong the other day?" And then I recalled that he had been here on Sunday, the day I'd received the news.
"Yes," I answered nonchalantly, hoping he'd just brush off the subject.
"Oh what was it?!" He asked, his interest too much to let it go.
"I'm not telling you! It's personal."
"Personal? Is it a guy?" I chuckled, but didnt answer. "It is a guy! Tell me!" He commanded.
"No!"
"Do I know him?"
"Yes." I had always been honest with these guys. I was not eager to go out and proclaim everything that ran through my mind, but if they asked I did not deny them the truth.
"Oh!" His interest was really sparked now. "Is he here?"
"No." And that was when Hussain broke his silence.
"Oh....I know!" He said with a satisfactory smile.
"What?! You know?!" Bader exclaimed.
I looked at Hussain questioningly, "do you really know?"
"Yup!"
"Oh hell no! Come on," Bader said as he grabbed my hand and pulled me off the couch, " I'm going out to smoke, come out here and tell me!"
"Hold on," I said and gestured Hussain towards the hallway. "Do you really know?" I asked when we were out of earshot.
"Its Ayman."
"Damn, you do know!" I said with a smile laugh. We turned walked back into the living room, where Bader was waiting.
"He knows," I said to Bader.
"Fine. Now my turn!" And he pulled out to the balcony, with Hussain following behind me.
He kept asking who it was and I couldn't bring myself to say, so Hussain did. I told him I was sad about him leaving, and it was then I discovered not everyone has heard the news yet. He told me it would be ok, that I would surely have no problem finding another guy. But as we talked more, he started to see this was more serious for me than he initially thought.
"I'm saying this now, if this crush is one sided, then I suggest you let it go now before it gets worse," he said.
"It's not," I said softly, trying hard not to cry.
"What? What do you mean?"
"He likes me too." This took him by surprise.
"He does?...then why is he holding back. Why hasn't he done something about?"
"Because he's planning to leave to florida next semester." He looked at me a bit shocked, it was at these words that something sank in for him. He realized then that this was not just some silly crush, that Alessandro and I shared a deep respect for each other.
"Oh....wow. That really says something about him, the fact that he won't take your virginity and then leave. Any other guy wouldn't have cared." And it was at these words that something sank in for me...Alessandro was an amazingly good guy. Don't get me wrong, he'd always been nice and a good friend. But hearing Bader say this, I saw the depth of his compassion.
"Yea, I know..." I managed to say, before I lost strength. I looked down, and the tears started rolling.
"No, don't do that!" Bader said, never one for emotions.
It was Hussain that surprised me though. "No, that's good. Let her cry," he said. And then he pulled me into a hug.
"No, I know. It's ok," Bader said. And then he too pulled me into a hug, but he stood there and held me, letting me cry on his shoulder. I managed to compose myself quickly, and we headed back inside with everyone else. And I felt lighter, better.
Friday afternoon is a blur, I don't remember anything except texting with Alessandro while I was in English. He told me he was having a good time in California, he was in Sea World at that moment, said he wished I was there with him. He told me how he had wanted to go to Mexico that week but had forgotten his I-20 and wasn't able too. I mentioned that Sami, Mariah, and I had been talking about going to Mexico for spring break.
"That seems a good plan if I'm still here I'll go with you" my heart skipped a half a beat at his words. The thought of future plans with him, the idea of us getting away together, made my heart reach for hope...maybe we could have a future.
That night one of the fraternities was holding a Halloween party at Bogies, and of course, we were there. This was the first time I was actually really dressed up, wearing my short leather detailed skirt, a shear stripes button- up blouse, and the wedge booties I'd bought the day before. Sam picked us up at the dorm, and as we drove to the party, he pulled a bottle from under his seat. Of course, I denied the offer, but Sami and Mariah were quick to drink up the small amount in the bottle. We didn't wait too long outside of bogies, and when we were in, it was as packed. We immediately got to dancing with sam, Memo, and Sam's brother. Pretty soon, Sam was getting up close and personal with me. I spent a good amount of time dancing with him, and it was pretty heated dancing. I could tell several times he wanted to move in for a kiss, but I wouldn't allow it. In the end, he ended up making a move on Sami, knowing she'd give in easily. After a while, we left the party and met up with Nolan at a nearby gas station. He dropped off Sami and I downtown, he and Mariah left elsewhere. Downtown was a crazy event. We drew a lot of attention, Sami in her underwear and fishnet outfit and me in my short tight skirt. We both walked away with about five number, and gave ours out about another five times. But still, my thoughts never left Alessandro. As we walked around, I texted him.
"So I went to a party, and we just left and for some reason I thought of you. I wish you were here! Hope your having fun!" I knew he was probably doing his own thing in California, so I wasn't expecting a reply until morning. But not too long after, he did.
"Oh I wish I was too yeah I'm having a great time thanks" And despite the fact that it had been a good day and I was having a good time, my heart achingly yearned for him.
"When are you coming back?"
"I'm not sure linda"
The next day was calm. Sami and I sat at the sub eating chick fila. Mariah and Nolan joined us a bit later. I texted Alessandro the whole time. He told me he'd been busy all week, going all over the place, saying how for once he was actually missing Boise. He also sent me a picture of him and a Lady Gaga impersonator on Hollywood blvd.
That night we went downtown with Nolan and a friend of his. Sami was already drunk when we left her place, so the drama that night was inevitable. Sami and I started arguing, we screamed, cursing at each other. She said she didn't want to get in the car with me, I said I didn't care, she could stay downtown alone. This was the first were had ever actually talked to each like that. But still, I did not leave her side, and I made sure she was on that car when we finally left.
Sunday night we went to sultans that night. It was Sami, Mariah, Nolan, sultan, Bader, Nasser, and I hanging out and we had our usual fun.
Monday night Bader picked Sami and I up and we went to Nasser's. Sami and I sat against a wall talking while the guys sat In a circle playing cards. I mentioned to Sami that is was sad to be there with the guys without Alessandro. She could see how anxious I was without him, so she confessed that she had seen Bader talking to him yesterday. She hadn't wanted to say anything because she wanted it to be a surprise, but Alessandro would be back the next day. Her words brought me jubilance. It was a warmth spread throughout me knowing that within 24 hours I could be in his presence.
Tuesday was a complete blur. I could think of nothing else than the fact that Alessandro would be there soon. That evening I put on some black jeans with my favorite plaid shirt, and I straightened my hair, making a small braid on the side, trying to make it look simple but a little nicer than usual. As I was completing the last touches, he texted me asking if i was going to sultans that night. I told him we were gonna be at Nasser's and his place. "Alright I'll see you when I get there." My heart leaped. He'd only left Portland an hour ago, and still had a few hours drive, but still my excitement was strong.
I sat at Nasser's with Sami, Nasser, and sultan, and later Mariah too. We talked and watched movies, all of us just awaiting his arrival. We kept texting him throughout the hours, trying to see how much longer it would be.
And finally he texted me, "where are you?"
"I'm at Nasser's!"
"Good tell him to make a hooka" and my heart skipped a million beats. Immediately Nasser got to making a hookah as we waited anxiously.
About 15 minutes later the door opened and his uncle walked in. We all welcomed him warmly. And a few seconds later, after two long weeks of absence, I was looking at Alessandro. As I watched Mariah and Sami hug him, I overflowed with joy, the sorrows of the last weeks all gone. He turned to me, a big smile on his face.
"Oh you look nice, bent." His mention of the Arabic word for 'girl,' his nickname for me, brought my a comforting warmth. He pulled me into a hug, and I wanted nothing more than to stay in the familiar comfort of his arms forever.
We sat around talking and hearing about his trip. At around 3am everyone started leaving. I stayed. Nasser and his uncle went to sleep in the room. He grabbed some blankets and pillows and laid them out in the living room, in the same place we laid the first time I slept there. As we laid down, he pulled me in and laid my head in his chest , wrapping his arms around me, softly stroking my arm and cheek as he had done every time I had slept by his side. That night, no matter which way he turned, he held on tightly to my hand.
When I awoke later that morning, he was still sound asleep. I knew he'd be tired, so I quietly got up, and made my way to the dorm. As I walked, the breeze blew my hair in my face and I could smell his cologne within the strands. I smiled to myself; this was something I had come to love weeks ago.
Later that day, Bader called me to keep him company at the library. We sat in one of the study rooms, listening to music while he did homework. He kept teasing me, saying how I looked so happy. So he texted Alessandro, and told him to come join us at the library. But he didn't want to come to the library, he said "no one hangs out at the library!" So instead he picked us up, and we accompanied him as he went to pick up Abraham. When we drove back to the library Bader went back, but I stayed and went to eat with him, Abraham and his uncle.
I spent the whole day with him. We hung out at his apartment, just talking. I even went with him and his uncle to drop off the rental car. Later in the night, Hussain came over and we all just sat around. Eventually, it was getting late and we were getting tired. So Alessandro and I went to the room to sleep. It was the first time since that time at sultans that I slept on a bed with him. As always, I rested my head on his chest, and he held me. That night, however, held me tightly. His hold was strong, almost with urgency, he pulled me close into him, entwining our legs, his grip tight.
I awoke before him once again and quietly let myself out. I went about my day as usual, class and homework. And that night everyone made their way to sultans. It's was like a reunion, everyone was there! All the makings of a fun night were set. Unfortunately, that's not what it turned out to be. Not too long after he'd gotten there, Alessandro's uncle snuck into the bathroom with some of the guys to smoke weed. Alessandro, like me, didn't approve of smoking weed. He started banging on the bathroom door, telling him to come out. When he finally did, it was immediate arguing. Loud, angry Arabic could be heard throughout the apartment. Finally, Abdul, a friend of theirs visiting from Pullman, pulled Alessandro out to the balcony to calm him down. After a few minutes, they came back. Alessandro put his shoes on, and left. Eventually people started leaving, and soon there were only a few of us left. And suddenly I was overwhelmed. Although I had lived floating in joy in the presence of Alessandro for the past few days, I never forgot the fact that his departure lingered in the near future, and I was hit full force with that truth at that moment. I went to sit in the hallway, away from everyone else, and I started crying. I just cried, and as hard as I tried to stop and get a hold of myself, I couldn't. Several times sultan walked into the hallway and saw me. Finally, he sat down across from me and said, "what is wrong with you?!" I know, it sounds harshly said, but knowing him, it was a kind act that he even asked. He looked me in the eye, and I knew he was asking out of kindness. But I couldn't talk to him. Honestly, I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone. So he let it go, and let me be.
I got enough control to walk back in and get my things to leave. But the moment the stepped out of the apartment, it was a cascade of tears. The salty drops seemed endless down my cheeks, and it felt like my heart was deteriorating inside me. The walk seemed to last forever. But my emotions came to a culmination just as I was getting to the bridge. Suddenly, it hit me that we had no future. Alessandro would go home, and then he would go to florida. He would make his life there, meet new people, new girls, fall in love with someone. The image of Alessandro laying with another girl's head upon his chest flashed in my mind. And I realized there was some girl out there, somewhere, that was going to have the fortune of having for the rest of her life what I'd had in the last month. This was the final, and hardest, blow to my heart. I leaned against the wall of the bridge, bent over, sobbing. It took all my strength not to fall to my knees right there. His leaving was now to unbearable. I managed to make it to my dorm. I fell on my bed, crying, and eventually fell asleep.
That following weekend, I didn't see him at all. We texted a few times, but that was all. He seemed distant.
Sunday, I sat in the sub, doing homework and writing. Eventually, I started texting him, and ended up at his apartment by the evening. It was the normal talking and hanging out, but still...I could sense something was off. Then it started getting late, we were tired, so we went to the room. He to the bathroom, and I just went straight to the bed and laid down. Then, he came out, grabbed another blanket, put headphones on, and laid down with his back to me. He fell asleep this way.
After this night, nothing was the same. He texted me less, eventually not at all. Every time I went over, he was on his phone or laptop, we hardly talked. I wasn't the only that noticed; Hussain mentioned it to me at one point, and even Alessandro himself knew he was doing this. He also knew I was breaking inside with everything that had been going gone. But still, it progressed. As the weeks passed, there didn't seem to be any moves being taken for him to go home, and it seemed that he was pushing me farther away. At times, I thought I saw a glimpse of what was before. But they were small, and possibly imagined. I slept at his place about two more times after that night, and neither were spent in his arms. Eventually, I stopped going at all. During this time, I also stopped talking to Mariah and Sami.
My thanksgiving break was the third week of November, and Carla, Rut, and Cathy came that weekend to pick me up. We spent that night with all the guys. We all went to Bader's and hung out, talking eating, listening to music and smoking hookah. From there we went to the hookah bar and stayed until it was almost closed. As we were walking out, we decided to head to sultans. I went with Bader and his girlfriend in their car; Carla, Rut, and Cathy went in sultans car. We got to sultans before them, so we waited in the parking lot. When sultan finally drove up, I got out of the car and walked over. It was truly a laughable moment. Carla and Cathy were sitting in the back, belt still on, looking stunned; rut was already out, off to the side, puking. I turned to look at sultan, who was in the drivers seat texting.
"Sultan! Really?!"
He turned to look at me nonchalantly, "I wasn't even that bad!"
"He was going 80 downtown!" Carla exclaimed.
Rut managed to calm down quickly enough, and we all went up to sultans apartment. We hung out there until past 4am. Then we said our goodbyes, and went to my dorm. We were out instantly.
At about 10am we were up and getting ready to leave. For the last week I had been looking forward so much to going home and seeing everyone again. But as we drove out of Boise, I thought about the amazing time I had with the guys the night before, and I was already anxious for the week to go by quickly.
My week was not too bad. I met a lot of time meeting up with people I hadn't seen since I'd left. I went out for lunch with Karen, and I told her about Alessandro, the story from beginning to present; and the same thing when I went to eat with Francisco. Karen said that the only way to get answers was to talk to him, it was my only option. Francisco said the same. So I promised them both I would have a talk with him before I came home again for winter break, which have me a month. However, being the coward I am, I broke down later that week and sent a 2am message.
"Ayman, what happened?? Why did things between us change? I mean, we used to be so close, and now I feel like I mean nothing...I just don't understand why you changed...."
After I hit send, I couldn't believe I had hit send. I buried my face in the pillow, my stomach twisting. Soon, I started to doze off, although it wasn't a very deep sleep. My subconscious always aware of what I had just done. At about 4am, I awoke, still feeling anxious. I checked my iPad,and sure enough I had a message.
"Why you saying this?
I talk to you everyday
And i never done anything bad to you!!!!"
I reread it a dozen times, trying to figure out if that last line sounded resentful or not. I couldn't tell...to this day, I still don't know. I replied anyway.
"This week has been the first time in a while that we talk everyday...and you only talk to me if I message you first. Or else I'm sure you wouldn't even talk to me. And I'm not saying you've done anything to me, but you just don't treat me like you used to....sometimes if seems like you just ignore me. I feel like you've been different since you got back from your trip to Vegas. It feels like things between us changed."
I never got a reply.
As I was on the drive back to Boise with my parents the following Saturday, i thought about his silence, and decided there was three options.
1. He was mad about my confrontation.
2. He was waiting for me to get back so we could talk.
Or 3. He was going to ignore the situation all together.
I prayed for anything that it was not #3. Because that would only leave me where I had started, with no answers.
My parents stayed in a hotel that night, I convinced them to let me stay in my dorm. As soon as they were in the car, I ran up to my room, jumped into the shower, got dressed, and ran to hussains. I got there to find Hussain, Bader, and sultan. They all greeted me with smiles and hugs. I sat with them, and we talked about our week break, laughed and had a good time. Soon enough, Nasser walked in. He, too, greeted me with a smile and hug. And then I turned to see Alessandro walking through the door.
"Hey you're back!" He said with a smile, and hugged me. He set his hookah down, and went to the kitchen to start preparing it.
More people started showing up as the night progressed, and Alessandro left about an hour after he'd gotten there. But still, I was having a good time, and bader and i were really bonding that night. I also met Shay that night. I stayed until about 2:30am. I would have stayed longer, but I had to wake up early to have breakfast with my parents. So I said goodbye, and left, taking hussains teddy bear with me, much to his disapproval. And as I walked back to my dorm, I felt a great disappointment at the realization that he had chosen option three.
I didn't see him that following week. I didn't see much of any of them. But I finally got my answers...from Bader. I talked to him during the week, and apparently Alessandro had spoken with him. So I asked him why he had changed.
"You already the answer," he said to me.
"I do?"
"Yes. He said doesn't want a relationship with you, that he told you that."
And instantly I remember our talk at table rock two month ago.
"Yea...we did talk about it."
"Well there you go," he said, "that's it."
I sat in my dorm that night, and cried...a lot. Then suddenly, I was angry. I had spent this whole time, thinking I had done something wrong, something to make him pull away. He made me feel terrible, like a bad person, for weeks because he didnt have the courage to man up and talk to me face to face. I was angry that it was such a simple solution, something we had both agreed on, and he chosen not to handle it properly. I was angry that for weeks he strung me along. He had said we could not have a relationship, and yet, he sweet talked me, treated me like I mattered, like could in fact have more...and then, after he had done all that, he decided to finally act on his words. I was angry because he turned out to be everything i thought he wasn't. But most of all, I was angry that after he had told me he didn't want to hurt me, that he didn't want me to remember him for any bad reasons, he had given me the worst reason to remember him by...for hurting me. For breaking my heart.
That Friday, I ran into Sam downtown, and left to the hookah bar with him, where we met up with mooh and memo. I was having a good time, and Sam was starting to get real close to me on the dance, just like the time at the frat party. But next thing I know, he's telling me Alessandro and Hussain are here. I turn and spot them immediately. For about ten minutes, I debated about saying something to them...and finally I decided to do so. I went and said hi, smiled and hugged me. Shay was with them. Then Alessandro surprised me.
"Hey me and you need to hang out!"
"Why?" This was the first thing out of my mouth, it came out without even thinking. I almost for bad for it. He gave a weird look at my response, not what he was expecting I'd say.
"Because we haven't hung out in a while!" He said.
"Right, yea ok," I said.
"Ok tomorrow. I'll call you."
I concluded he was just trying to be nice since it was my birthday weekend. And as i was standing there with them, Sam, memo, and mooh came over. They all said hi, and continued to dance. I started talking with shay, and at one point stepped outside with her for fresh air. Slowly, I was seeing that she was a pretty cool person. Eventually, Sam started getting up close again, and I took advantage. I pressed up against him, our bodies close, as we danced next to Alessandro. It started getting late, so we made our way out. I left with Sam, and as we drove back to my dorm, he told me that Alessandro had been watching intently as we danced. This really angered me. What business was it of his if I danced with someone else? During the ride, I was texting shay, and she told me they were all going to sultans. I couldn't tell Sam to take me there...there was an unexplainable tension between Sam and the guys. So I had him drop me off at the dorm, and As he drove away, I walked out the back door, and practically ran to sultans. That will forever be one of my most memorable college nights. That night turned into a game of truth or dare between Bader, Alessandro, shay, Hussain, Nasser, sultan, saad, saad's friend, and I. Being the only girls, I think shay and I got screwed over the most. By the end of the game, neither of us had our shirts or bras on, I was cuddling Bader, who's shirt was also off, I had water thrown at me, I drank some mixture that almost made me puke, and I could honestly say I had kissed three of the guys in that room. I had also found that Alessandro had slept with someone that night before.
I woke up the next day, and my prepping started early. Alessandro and I were going to hang out that night, and I wanted to look good. As I showered and straightened my hair, I couldn't help but fear that he wouldn't follow through. But at around 6pm he texted me, and told me to get ready, that he was taking me somewhere. But I pulled out a million outfits, and finally chose one and got dressed. It was almost 9 when he said he was coming for me. I met him downstairs and as he pulled away from the building, he explained that he had to stop by hussains to drop off something. So we pulled up and went up to hussains. As soon as he opened the doors, I saw hussains colorful globe lights were on, the guys and a few other people were there. I walked in, and immediately, my sisters walked out carrying a cake screaming "happy birthday!" I was utterly shocked, but truly joyous. I'd never had a surprise birthday party before, and it felt nice to know that they had taken the time to plan something. We hung out at hussains, eating, talking, having fun. And that night, for the first time, I smoked hookah. The smile on Alessandro's face was grand; for so long he had tried to convince me to do it. We went to the hookah bar later on. The car ride with Hussain, Carla, cesia, and Abraham was entertaining. And then headed back to hussains again. It was an amazing night, and the best birthday to date.
Later that week, I was texting shay and she told me she was hanging out with Hussain. I was bored so they went to pick me up. Hussain dropped us off at his apartment, and said he was going to baders real quick. We sat in his apartment for an hour, and he still wasn't back. So we decided to go walk around. As we were walking out, I suggested we go check if Alessandro was home, so we walked over and sure enough he was home...with Sami and Mariah. We didn't stay long, and the event that followed our leaving were a bit confusing, but all in all, somehow, Alessandro was suddenly angry at me, cursing, telling me not to talk to him. I didn't understand. I tried texting him the next day but go no response. Several times I walked to his apartment to confront him about it...but when I got there, I couldn't bring myself to knock. So in the end, I asked Hussain. He knew nothing, but said he would talk to him.
Hussain texted me later, letting me know he had talked to Alessandro.
"He said not to talk to him anymore not even text him"
I could hardly believe his words. How could that be possible? I didn't understand. I broke down crying. kneeling on the ground, bawling my eyes out at the thought that i had lost even his friendship now. And my anger barrier broke in that moment.
How could HE be mad at me after everything?! After it had been me who had been ignored, me that had to deal with his lack of courage, after it had been ME who's heart was broken?! For the last several weeks, I'd had a million reasons to be angry, and I had chosen to let them go for his sake. I had earned the right to be angry, but he did not! And here he was, angry, for God knows what reason, telling me to stop talking to him!
I turned to look at the frame next to my bed. It contained the picture I had printed weeks and weeks ago, when I first found out he was leaving, when I had poured my emotions in a letter that I gave him and included a copy of the picture for him. The picture of us at table rock.
I knocked it to the ground, staring at it, my face still wet from years although they had stopped flowing. I walked over and grabbed my skateboard. I stood over the picture for a few moments, and then in one swift blow, I slammed the board into the glass. Shattered. I kneeled before it and picked up one of the glass pieces. I held it to my upper wrist and swiped. It wasn't very sharp, so it barely broke the surface.
I picked up the pieces and set them aside. I sat in on my bed and finished my homework, then went on to kill the night watching Make It or Break It on Netflix. I did not talk to him for the next two weeks.
Shay and I got increasingly close in the weeks that followed truth or dare. She came down every weekend to hang out with me. On my second to last weekend, before winter break, we were hanging and had decided that we would get Hussain a Christmas present. We decided on a giant teddy bear because technically I owed him one. So that Friday we went to several stores looking for bears, finally finding a decent one at Walgreens. We also bought a Santa and elf hat to wear when we surprised him with the bear. We went back to my dorm and hung out for a bit. Then got ready and headed downtown. We ran into Sam, mooh, and Zaekwo. We were all having a good time and talking and decided to go back to their place. Sam and shay were starting to get real flirty with each other, so were mooh and I. So when we got to their place, it wasn't long before Zaekwo left, Sam and shay disappeared upstairs, and mooh and I started getting comfortable on the couch. Within a matter of minutes, we were making out, and soon both our shirt came off. It was a heated moment, but it didn't go further than that. Eventually, we were laying on the couch, my head on his chest, his arms wrapped around as he stroked my arm. And in that moment, i felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Before, I used to be uncomfortable in times like these. I had never liked cuddling and hand holding and the romantic stuff. It had been only in Alessandro's arms that I felt like I wanted it forever. But here, as I lay with mooh, I felt nothing, not even discomfort. I had become indifferent to it, and my mind, body, and heart no longer felt if it was not Alessandro's arms. He had shut me down.
A bit later, Sam and shay came back down, and Sam brought us back to my dorm. We quickly fell asleep, and shay left early in the morning. But she was back by late afternoon. We hung around for a bit and headed downtown again at night. It was a crazy night. I saw a bunch of the downtown people I knew, and we were approached by countless guys, which kept us thoroughly amused. That night I also ran into Raja again. Raja lived in the same apartments as Hussain, Nasser, and Alessandro. I'd seen him a few times but never really talked. A few weeks prior, he has approached me downtown, a bit drunk, we talked and he asked me out. I turned his offer down, but gave him my number. We'd texted a few times the week after, but that was all. I didn't see him again until that night with shay. He saw me and immediately came to talk to me. Again, we talked for a few minutes, and finally, he asked me out again. He insisted he meant well, he just wanted to get to know me. I told him I would be leaving in a week to Washington for winter break. He said he'd wait for me. So I told him when I'd be back, and promised that if he remembered, I would go on a date with him when I got back.
Eventually shay and I went back to my dorm, and Sam came for her at around 4am. I was awoken by shay calling, her and Sam were gonna go eat, and they were coming to get me so I could go along. We went to ihop. Then he dropped us off at my dorm again. Shay stayed until late afternoon, and then had to leave to meet with a friend.
The week that followed was busy, finals week. I was taking tests, getting things ready to go home, and spent a good part of Tuesday and Wednesday in the library writing my English final. When Thursday evening came around, I was so relieved to be done. I celebrated the end of finals with Sam and memo at the hookah bar.
Shay was at my dorm bright and early Friday morning. She kept me company as I finished cleaning my room and got everything sorted. Then she helped me carry my things over to hussains. I would be staying with him that night because my parents wouldn't be here till the next day. We got to his apartment to find it locked. After much thinking and strategizing, we managed to get in. The details of how, however, I will not tell. ;) then we walked around and went to eat downtown. As sat, eating and talking, we messaged Hussain to ask where he was, telling him we had a surprise him. But both of us got a bit anxious when he said he was at Alessandro's. we said we'd go when he got home, but he insisted we just go to Alessandro's. We figured we would just make it quick and leave. So we went back to find his door locked again. We had to go to Alessandro's to get his keys.
I hadn't seen or talked to him since the night he got mad, and i was more than nervous as shay knocked on his door. He opened and the door and greeted us with a smile.
"Hi! Come in!" Shay stepped in, but I hesitated.
"Oh we just came for hussains keys," I explained.
He looked at me. "But it's cold out there, come in." I hesitated for a second more and then walked in.
"How are you?" He said as he pulled me into a hug.
"Fine."
We asked Hussain for his keys and he handed them over.
"Alright thanks!" Shay said. And we turned to walk out again. Before I could get out, Alessandro turned to look at me.
"Come back here ok," he said, looking me in the eye. He had noticed the fear I had come to feel In his presence, and for a second I thought I saw remorse in his eyes.
"Ok," I simply replied, and walked out.
We went to get the teddy bear and put on our hats, and then walked back to Alessandro's. the look on hussains face was priceless when he saw the bear, and instantly I was glad we'd done this. Alessandro insisted we stay, so we sat and he made us a hookah. He still got that smile on his face each time shay handed me the hose. We actually had a good time, and it was the first time I had hung out with Alessandro in weeks. Eventually shay had to leave, and I was left with Hussain and Alessandro. At one point hussain stepped out, leaving Alessandro and i alone. He took that moment to explain the reason for his anger and let me know he wasn't mad anymore. Then he mentioned something else...
"You've changed," he said.
"...I've changed?" I was confused
"Yea, you're different. You can ask any of the guys, and they will say the same."
"How am I different?"
"I don't know, you just are. You've changed since you started hanging out with shay." I was instantly bothered by that accusation.
"I've only been hanging out with her for like two weeks!" I opposed.
"We'll I don't know. But I mean, I don't care. It's not big deal." And he said no more. However, I was left with a nagging anger that he had blamed shay for my change of behavior. I wanted so badly to shout in his face that it was him, all him, that had done this to me. But I decided I didn't want to start an argument with him right before I was about to leave for a month.
We ended up going to the hookah bar, but honesty, it didnt seem like any of us had that great of a time there. So we went back to Alessandro's, and just sat there watching tv. Hussain and I left at around 3:30am to his place. I went to sleep right away.
When my parents and sisters arrived the next day, Hussain was still asleep, so I left him there. We went to the mall and out to eat, then to the hotel. My parents didnt know I'd stayed at hussains, so we took advantage that they were getting ready to sleep, and went to get my stuff. But of course, he was at Alessandro's, so we went there. When he opened the door, like always, he insisted we come in. We sat, and talked with them for about half an hour. It was a good half hour. But my sisters were tired and anxious to sleep, so we asked Hussain if we could get my things. As we walked out, I said my goodbye to Alessandro. he looked at my with kind eyes, and said goodbye as he hugged me. We went to get my things, said goodbye to Hussain, and went back to the hotel. Within 24 hours I was in prosser.

I started this post about two weeks ago, while I was still in prosser for winter break. Now I sit here, at the Townsend Mariot in Boise after being gone a whole month. I got back just this afternoon; I haven't told anyone but shay that I'm back. In the month that I was gone, I had no interaction with Alessandro, except for a text on Christmas and New Year. The month away did me some good, I found some peace and sanity, and to some extent, came to terms with what has happened. His real name is Ayman, not Alessandro. However, Alessandro is the name that lives in the memory of the dream. It was a nickname, although hardly used, and the name on his Facebook when we first met him, so we went by it. For the month in which I lived this sweet dream, I knew by this name. It was the week he returned from California that I started to call him by his real name. The name died along with the dream. He is not Alessandro. He is Ayman.
It has been almost four months since our lips met, almost three since I've slept in his arms, I no longer carry his scent in my hair. And although I can not forget the incredible warmth I felt in my heart as I rested my head upon his chest, I know I have lost it. It's hard when everything reminds me of his touch upon my skin, but I know I must move on. Ive realized that I have fallen astray of the dreams I came to Boise hoping to achieve. In his arms, for an instant I was willing to trade them in for him. But now he is gone, and I can not afford to lose my dreams as well. I have not lost the desire for love, but I've lost the desire to go looking for it. It's with sadness that I say love is no longer my driving force; I am no longer willing give up anything for love. I have come back to Boise with a closed heart, and a bitter soul.
With God as my strength, I move forward to achieve the dreams that drove me in hard times. If love does not come into my life again, I'm not so sure I mind anymore. And if it does, I just pray it will feels like the warmth I knew in Alessandro's arms.


"Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months.
And then, one not-so-very special day, I went to my typewriter.
I sat down, and I wrote our story.
A story about a time, a story about a place, a story about the people.
But above all, a story about love.
A love that will live forever."
أحبك

The End.

My last day of school was just such a memorable day. I had gone to sleep super late the night before writing the most grateful 'thank you' card I could write for Mrs. Skeen, Mr. Cole, Tracey, Mr. Dillahunt, and Mr. Butler.
I awoke in the morning got ready and was at school as the same time as usual. The senior class then proceeded to spend the whole morning practicing the walk we would be doing the next day at graduation. Judy(my walking partner) and I were in the very back row for graduation, the row only consisted of about 12 of us, and we talked to all of them people in it, so we spent about the whole time messing around and cracking jokes. As we practiced going up to the stage and receiving our diploma frame, Mr. Gant was standing up front, cuing each student went to walk up. When I got to the front, he looked at me and started laughing. "When you hear your name walk across the stage...and walk and walk and keep walking and don't come back!" he said, laughing. I laughed and gave him a look. We always has gotten along like that.
At the end of what was 3rd period, the rest of the classes came to the gym for the Moving Up assembly. It seemed like just yesterday I was at my first Moving Up and Mr. Lusk was telling us "now remember, you are not sophomores until next year starts. You are still FRESHMAN!"
With that assembly done, the school was released on an extended lunch. I went to find lily so we could give Cole a little gift. (he liked to call people nerds all the time, so we got him a little box of Nerds and wrapped it up.) I gave him his thank you card while I was at it.
Tsadhe, Judy, and I then spent the most interesting lunch ever together. I wanted to deliver the rest of the cards, however I was only able to get ahold of Skeen at the beginning of lunch, so then I had to wait around the whole
Lunch for the rest.
While we waited, tsadhe decided to pick up the cat my neighbor had said she would give her. So we went to get it, and then went to the store to get some cat food, which I had to carry around In my bag. We then went back to school, and sat outside of Butlers portable, waiting for him to show up. After a while, Judy had to leave, so tsadhe and I went into yetter's portable and talked with him for a while. He seemed weirded out that we had a kitten with us. After a few minutes we left, and I figured maybe Butlers class would be in the library, which was why he wasn't in his class. As we walked across school campus, people kept stopping us to look at the kitten. We got to the library a few minutes before lunch ended, so we stood out in the hall waiting for Butler. Finally he showed up.
"Mr. Butler! You are a hard person to locate!" I said.
"I didn't know I was trying to be located," he replied. We chuckled.
"well you didn't think I'd leave without getting you to sign my yearbook, did you!?" I said.
"Oh of course not, how could you!?"
I handed him my yearbook and a pen. "here, hold this" he said handing me this cup of water. As he was writing, a picture Juan had given me of us in DC was slipping out of the yearbook. He grabbed it and handed it to me, and continued writing. He had some sunglasses that he had set on top of his head, and they kept sliding down as he wrote. He took them off and handed them to me. "Sorry, I'm just giving you everything," he said, laughing. As he wrote he asked, "so what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to Boise state..."
"oh very nice!"
"...I'm going for English, actually."
He turned to look at, a small knowing smile on his face. A few weeks before, I had to write a note to a teacher thanking them for something, as an assignment for a class. I chose to write to him, I thanked him for being an awesome teacher and helping me discover how much I loved to write. It's thanks to his class I'm now pursuing an English major. So telling him so was telling him that he had helped me plan my future, and he knew so.
When he finished writing, he handed me my yearbook back, and i gave back his water and glasses, and the thank you card. He wished me luck and said to keep in touch. I promised to come back and visit. Tsadhe kept amazing people with her kitty.
We went to find Dillahunt. Class had started already, but he had mainly senior classes, and since those were over, we wouldn't be interrupting anything. We found him as he was going into his class. We talked for a few minutes, he asked about the cat, and then I have him his thank you card. I went to the office to drop off Tracey's card since she wasn't at school yet. Then I sat in front of the school with tsadhe, while we waited for her parents to pick her up. Then I went home.

I woke up the next morning at around 8:00 am. I got up, put on the dress I had gotten weeks before especially for this day, fixed my hair and makeup, and as I was trying to figure out what jewelry to wear, Judy showed up. I finished up, we grabbed our caps and gowns, got in her car, and left to school. We were checked at the door, to make sure nobody had any silly string or distracting objects(or anything for that matter!) Mrs. Skeen was checking the girls, she thanked me for the card, said it was beautiful and that it was something she would keep. I smiled and proceeded into the gym. Everyone was standing around, some in gowns already, a few teachers standing around taking pictures and having the the last conversation they may ever have with these people. Eventually, everyone was in their cap and gown and they lined us up. The last announcement were made and we started our walk to the football stadium where the ceremony would take place.
The walk was hot, and the dang wedges were hurting the ankle I had twisted a few weeks before. We got the stadium, and walked a bit of the track before they stopped us. The teachers went ahead and lined up on the field in two lines, creating a path in between for us to walk through.
I walked on the right side, with Judy to my left, and we made our way across the field. As we walked between the teachers, I passed many which I'd had in my four years of high school. They smiled, shook my hand, and patted me on the back, congratulating me. And then...at the end of the teacher line was Mr. Butler. He put his hand out, I reached for it, expecting another hand shake. Instead, I was pulled into a hug.
That moment resonates in my head like a million fireworks. If had not been for that moment, I could have gone the whole ceremony without shedding a tear. But it was that moment that made me see what I was really leaving behind: a group of people, grown ups, who had accepted and appreciated me for who I was. I was leaving behind the teachers to had inspired me. And that broke my heart. I started crying as I walked away from Mr. Butler.
It didn't last long because Judy was freaking out about me crying(she's the kind of person that always cries if she sees someone else crying) and it made me laugh.
We got to our spot in the back row and spent a majority of the ceremony just messing around with tsadhe, Mateo, zuleima, and Cody. Until finally we got to the walking part. We went up row by row, so we were towards the end. Eventually it got to us, so we went up one by one, Mr. Gant saying to each one at the stage steps "when you hear your name walk across." When I finally got the the stage steps, Gant looked at me and chuckled.
"When you hear your name walk across the stage...JUST walk."
"Ok, I'll try not to trip!" I said.
"Oh god, please don't!" he said, laughing.
I heard my name, and walked across, shaking the school boards' hands and recieving my diploma frame. Then I got to Mr. Lusk, the principle, and he turned to take the traditional 'principle/grad' picture, and then turned to me and said "good job, kiddo!" with a kind smile. He had been a great person to work with in the office.
I walked off the stage, and Judy and I walked back to our seats. They finished off the ceremony with the switching of the tassel and our caps being thrown in the air. During this, Gant was putting out the boxes of silly string they provided at each graduation so we can go crazy for one last time. He was putting them out just a few feet away from where Judy and I were.
"Can we grab them now!?" Judy asked. You could see it was the question on everyone's mind.
"Who cares!?" I said and ran for them. Everyone followed behind me. And we went crazy.
Family and friends made their way down to the field, and I was ambushed by balloons and flowers and hugs and pictures.


"Tonight, we are young.
So let's set the world on fire.
We can burn brighter
than the sun."
-Fun. (Graduation Song)

Stalling as always. :P

Well this is yet another late post! IM GRADUATED!!! yay! Lol. I meant to write about my graduation waaaay back on the weekend it actually happened, but I kept slacking. But, like I always says, better late than never. :)
So the last week of school for me was extremely bittersweet. I got my acceptance letter to Boise State University! And as I looked at it, and thought about it, I decided to do it. I didn't even apply to the Musicians Institute, however I don't regret it. I believe that if I have the talent, passion, and will, I can make it to a music life without the need to go to a music school. I can do this if I want it, and if God is willing. So BSU it is, and I am happy with my choice of staying close to the church life and pursuing an English major. However, as great as I felt with my acceptance to BSU, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I was leaving behind the school life I had come to love here in Prosser. The people, friends, and teachers I had gotten along with, and the memories I had created. It sadden me to leave them.
The choir class was asked to sing at baccalaureate. Once, while we practiced Journey In Peace, which was the song we would perform, the underclass men were looking around looking at the seniors in class, knowing we had only a few days. They all had looks of sadness. Our choir class had come to be very close, so our departure was sad for all of us. But as we sang, I saw Gena, Matie, Teryn, and the loving altos I had sang with all year looking at me, it was too much. I ran out of class, and cried in the hallway. Tracy(Mrs. Boyle) understood, of course. She's always been an awesome teacher. So she let me be, and let me have my moment. Surprisingly, this was the only breakdown I had while in school. Although I was almost sure it would have been Dillahunts class in which it would have happened.
The office was sad to leave too. Jessica, the junior office aid who had worked in the office with me all year, had become such a fun friend. We had a lot of laughs while in the office, I didn't think I'd get so close to her. And of course, the office staff! those people made the period oh so unforgettable. It was a bit heartbreaking to find out Mr. Gant would be leaving PHS. he was always fun to have around in the office. leadership was surprisingly not so emotional. But i think it's because Mrs. Skeen kept us busy til the last minute. Even still, as I wrote a 'thank you' card to Skeen the night before the last day, I couldn't help but feel terribly sad to leave the class.
Of course, Dillahunts was horribly heartbreaking to leave! The last day in class he made notes for all of us, and gave them to us as he signed our sign out sheets. When I received mine, I read it and instantly wanted to cry. Leaving behind him and his class was the hardest for me, and the note didn't help. But Judy, and other friends were around, and I didn't want to cry around them. Plus, they kept messing around and joking, so i was able to keep distracted. Still, it hurt.
And then there's Cole's class. I admit I was glad to finally not have to run and do all the workouts, however, this was just as hard to leave behind. Cole had been around since freshman year, and we got along soooo well! He was just one of those teachers that wasn't like a teacher to me...we joked, and laugh, and picked on each other. Any time we talked, it was hardly school/grade related. We just conversed. He was like a 'pal' I guess you could say. I know that sounds weird to say about a teacher, but it's true.
And then, there was just all those other teachers and staff that I didn't have this year but I had known and gotten along with all along. It was just so sad to leave them. But at the same time I couldn't help think that in a few months I would be gone and starting over and just being free!
Now, I know I haven't talked about graduation yet, but as I was writing this, I decided to put this into two different posts. The last week is a completely different experience and memory than my last day and graduation. that will go into the next post. So read on...